changing

ever since about last week i changed and i don’t want to. i was so close to getting close to how i want to be again. now once again i feel like a scared animal, shivering in the cold. i feel scared. i dont want to feel scared. i was so close to not feeling scared anymore. but this is a different fear, it feels deeper. i feel frozen in time, like i’m still there. i know it’s all okay now and nothing happened, but i still feel the bruise. i just feel indifferent. i want to go home. sometimes i still feel like this is all a test and when i pass, god will be waiting for me with open arms. sometimes i remember the giddiness i would feel when reading the bible and knowing it was all real and i was a part of it. i think the part i’ve been struggling with with religion are those old feelings. if none of it was real, how am i real? if i used to be an angel, what am i now? will i still be accepted into heaven if there is one? what am i now? i know i’m not human. i’ve never felt human. i feel like a scared wild animal, hiding. i want to be safe.

anyway. life update.

i've gotten into fidgets lately. yes, fidgets. i know it’s stupid. but i just. like them. i have 6 right now. my infinity cube is currently lost so it’s technically 7 when i find it. i have a needoh color change ball, a needoh dream drop (both are pink), a red/blue liquid timer, a flippy chain and 2 fidget spinners. not one, but two. two. they’re years old though. i got the liquid timer about 2 years ago. the needoh products are less than a week old. i also have a package coming with more fidgets. and my eliteware shirt is coming in about a week, i’m really excited. they said shipping will start around this coming friday. i’m so excited.

i’m considering getting a locker at school to keep my fidgets in. like, keep some at school and keep some at home. i really like the sound of that. but the lockers are so tall and the shelf is at the top, and i’d only be using it to keep fidgets in. doesn’t that sound dumb??? getting a locker specifically to keep fidgets, of all things, in. it sounds stupid. but i could also put my sketchbook in there, maybe.

lemme tell you what i got in my fidget package. 3 sugar balls, 2 are hearts. one of the hearts is for my friend. i also got 2 textured stickers, another needoh dream drop (before i got my current one) and a free gift of another textured sticker. pretty good choices.

my amazon cart has some stuff rotting in it until i get my paycheck. a lanyard (for the fidgets), a little ouchies fidget and a phone case. i can spend a bit more to get free shipping so i’ll probably get more fidgets. i dunno. 

thank you for reading

syd

update

my boyfriend hates me and my fidget addiction :(