thinking about my ex again

the last time i talked to him was aparently six or seven weeks ago. but last week, i had a dream about him that we were on a stage. well, first we were in this house i dream about a lot. its like weird and minimalist, egenomic and arodynamic and angular, like the cullens house from twilight. we were doing something, what, i dont know, but we took breaks after and then talked and made out a bunch, and then it cuts to us on our high school stage, doing some other thing i dont remeber, and everyone in the audience is booing us. and like, i kept looking back between him in the audience. i feel like it means something. ive had a lot of dreams lately. which is odd cause usually, i never dream. it only really started last year. lately i keep remebering him and whats hes like, i dont know if thats good or bad. probobly bad. theres been a few times where it was late at night, and i was fucking around on my laptop, and i just imagined him next to me. not like a hollucination or nothing, but imagined what his sillohuette would look like, scrolling on his phone.

i texted him two days back. i been on delivered sense. i followed one of his other socials, so i guess i'll text him there in a week or so. 

long story short, i'll be home alone for a little while in some time, and the thought came to me that i should invite him over for a few days, sense he seemed to really wanna meet up. the last time we talked, he asked if i wanted to hang out. i said no, cause i dont have a license and my parents wont let me walk anywhere or uber anywhere. they dont usually like driving me nowhere neither. long story.

i did a bit of deep diving and dug through his social medias. his location is off, which hes never done before and his social medias havent been active in a while, but, his parents are known to take his phone. sometimes. a lot.

i really hate sleeping alone. i have a huge bed that takes up a quarter of my room that i put together myself without help, and all i want is to be able to share it for once so it dosnt feel so cold. 

thats really lame.

oh well

i feel kinda stupid. im over him, like im not looking to get back together, i just would wanna take advantage of the fact i have the house to myself and act like time and space is not real and be how we were a year ago just for a few days. idk. maybe i do miss him. i dont think i do. i just think im lonley. i havent talked to anyone i wasnt related to face to face in 5 months now. i feel horrible. its not like its my own doing. ive been looking for a job and havent found nothing. there isnt anything i wanna do with my life, so i dont really wanna go to collage. who even knows if we'll wake up tomarow.

i still have his shirt. its up in a box in my attic, but its still there. ive thought about going up their and getting it.

fuck im just so pissed i deleated his number. i never wrote it down anywhere, and i deleated it when i broke up with him. i shoulda kept it. fuck.

on the off chance he himself googled my socials and stumbled upon this post, dude, you should text me back lmao. im thinking about sending a letter.