Update and tarot reading

I wanted to do an update because it's been a while since I did anything on this website. 

I just did a tarot reading;
X - Pentacles, XI - Justice, Page - Pentacles (reversed), VIII - Strength

We have a prevalence of pentacles here, which are concerned with the material world and finances. The ten of the ten of pentacles suggests the completion of a cycle, completeness, abundance. I did just get paid, but to me this feels intuitively to be more implying the material world than specifically finances. I have everything I need materially. 

Justice suggests balance, things being as they ought to be. Intuitively I interpreted this as, "you are where you need to be" in context of maybe a spiritual order. Things may seem injust, out of balance, especially in the current political and social climate. But we are all part of a plan. I am where I need to be. Doing what I need to do. I might not be in the best position for myself, but in context of all those around me, that which need be is. 

The page of pentacles reversed. I interpret reversed cards as energy directed inwards. While the upright ten of pentacles suggests the external material world, the reversed page of pentacles emphasizes that I am still a student, with much to learn. 

I usually do three card readings but I was drawn to doing a fourth, and Strength was a welcome sight. This emphasizes for me the Justice card. We must hold strong. Even if it doesn't look like it or feel like it, things are as they need to be. This reading connected with me deeply but I'm not really able to put it all into words.

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I've recently started seeing a new therapist who specializes in dissociation, particularly DID, as well as other stuff. We have already started working through the MID, which I've taken before but in 2021. I spent two years with a therapist before who said he specialized in dissociation, but we never did any kind of formal assessment, and he never even looked at my final report from my psychologist who diagnosed me with autism and a plethora of other shit. We did IFS and connected with a lot of my parts, several of whom he had identified as dissociative parts, though he never really explained what that meant. I have a lot of issues with how that all went but in summary, it left me feeling still lost and confused and uncertain of my experience, and incredibly uncertain of my own ability to understand my experiences. I feel like I've made greater headway in two sessions with my new therapist than I did in two years with my old one. 

But I'm scared. I dont know what the results of the MID will say. When I took it in 2021, it said my symptoms aligned with PTSD, DID, and a possible somatoform disorder. Part of me wants to be validated that I know what my experiences are, but another part of me strongly feels that absolutely nothing is wrong with me (but I've been diagnosed with CPTSD twice now, independently). i feel like my mind is some giant black pool of swamp water. Huh, interesting, black waters is a kinda reoccurring theme in my artwork. I think it symbolizes kinda mystery and hiddenness, tainted waters. 

I think part of me still hasn't accepted that I have CPTSD or anything, that anything could've happened in my childhood. When I know for a fact that I have experiences various forms of abuse. My brain cant really integrate that knowledge. It doesn't really feel like my own life or experiences. I'm reminded of the Daft Punk music video, where recordings of memories are implanted. 

I just wish I felt greater autonomy in my life. I want to have goals and dreams but they feel so fleeting. This overwhelming sense of helplessness leaves me paralyzed and numb. Disconnected. Feeling like nothing has any meaning. 

I wanted to do some drawing but I feel like, it just feels like it would be like trying to climb up a cliff in pouring rain. How do I reconnect? How can I feel real again? i do my breathing exercises. I try to ground but I just always feel like I'm floating. "why dont you smoke some weed?" Because I want to be productive. "you've done a lot today to be productive" but only like half of the things off my list, and they were all cleaning chores, not personal art stuff which is what I really wanted to do. "youre being too hard on yourself, expecting too much from yourself" But I know I am capable of more. People around me, they're able to make stickers and create great artworks, that I know I have the technical skills to accomplish. I just feel locked outside of my mind. I wish I could unlock it and feel that autonomy and hope that I felt during that episode. "but that came with a ton of horrors, you weren't able to function" Can there be no middle ground? Can I not get some sense of autonomy without completely losing myself? I just want to live my life. I want to get out of the swamp. 

I've been really wanting piercings. I always wanted snakebites since I was young. I want to dye my hair red (but it's so short right now, it seems like it would be pointless. My coworkers said I could rock some piercings, snake bites and a septum and eye brow piercings. I want to do it. But that learned helplessness tells me theres no point in wanting because nothing will come of it.