it doesnt even matter anymore...

I'm really losing it again, I'm so tired of this cycle bro i don't want to tell anyone cause i feel like its gonna sound weird that i vent so much, I'm losing everyone now i feel like im losing the only friend i have, and i feel so empty now im not eating again i relapsed im smoking more often and everything is falling apart again, till last month i was feeling so happy i thought i was healing but now im just not even present anymore why is my happiness so short  and why is it getting worse everytime it happens again