1am thoughts

If there’s any typing errors just know that I wrote this at 1am in the morning while being severely sleep deprived. Enjoy!

Y’know growing up I realise that I’ve never really fit into any sort of clique but I’m not gonna lie and label myself as some sort of “social outcast” or whatever because that just wouldn’t be the right term.

Some people may fancy me as one of the weird kid as of currently due to the peculiar interests I grew up having that were heavily influenced by Western media which I consumed from the Internet at such a young age which in contrast to my peers are not all that common as I thought they’d be. Something I believe that perhaps I would do better if I was a lot more privileged and went to a school in the city where rich kids roamed about but the source of the problem isn’t wealth, it’s simply my inability to communicate with others properly in social situations. But that’s not all is it? There’s always more but my self awareness is too artificial for me to actually realise the real problems I have. Instead I’d rather wallow in my own self misery while I complain like an old twat trying to get the local youth off his lawn despite it being his problem to not guard it with any fences (does this analogy even make any sense?). 

Fitting in is overrated they say until you experience the feeling of being so isolated to the point that being at the same table with people who care for you can make you feel like the loneliest person at lunch. People keep me company sure but other times I wonder what’s even the point of all of this. I don’t hate these people surely, they’re my friends after all aren’t they? But I’m upset, not at them and not exactly at myself, alright maybe a little bit at myself but mostly it seems like my origin point of disdain is unfounded and lost at sea in the bottom of the Pacific Ocean (now I’m monologuing like the young boy from Richard Ayoade’s Submarine). 

I wanted to fit in didn’t I? And now I have, I have proper friends now. This is exactly like how everyone else does it, right? But why doesn’t it feel that way? Do I just want friends for my own vanity, to show other people and be like “haha you were all wrong! I can be just like all of you!” but I never wanted to be like the rest of them but by trying to avoid that doesn’t that make me all the same? No one is really original after all. 

And you know who else isn’t original? Popular kids, mindless sheep which only support each other for the sake of it. As much as I hate to admit it I do envy them occasionally just like any other person. I don’t envy their one dimensional personalities which they present nor do I support their behaviour towards those who are different than them, which by the way works both sides depending on the people, and I most certainly do not desire seeming so obnoxious all the time. I’m jealous of the little things like how do I get around the school even with those who are nice to me. I envy how most of them are usually pretty or attractive to an extent, something which I believe I could not simply acquire even with all the self confidence I had but I’m grateful enough to mostly be comfortable in my own skin. I’m jealous about how they always have something going on in their lives and I mostly blame social media for this factor. 

But despite all that I ask myself, do I really want any of that? Sure being known sounds interesting and I would do anything to be able to think to myself that I am desirable for at least just one day but if I had any of that now would I still be me? In fact, if I had any of that before I couldn’t really imagine the type of person I’d be then and now. Because the me now, the one writing this, is the only me I’ve ever known and will be with forever. I’ve known her throughout my whole life and that’s how it always will be. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will know her as much as I do but the truth is I don’t know her very well either but we learn each day and we laugh until our lungs give out and we cry until my heart, her heart, shatters into a million shards of broken glass but in that glass I hope they dissolve into even tinier bits which wash up at the beach like the rest of them until maybe they are revived again as sea glass which someday will be picked up by a curious young girl. 

-Statiscit [1:21AM 2/3/2025]