me venting cause my life sux rn

hey yall. 

i dont really think anyone will read this, and thats okay. I just want to honestly scream into the void so i can get a few things off my chest and maybe feel a bit better afterwards. SO, if you read it, cool, if you dont, thats cool too, or if you just want to skim through it that's pretty chill as well. 

For the past month or so I feel like i have been in a constant cycle of fear and rotting. Over a month ago I had a pretty bad uti that made me pass out and go to the hospital. Or well, they think that's why I passed out. Anyways, after that I was really weak and scared and didn't really get out of my bed for a week. Which, honesly really sucked. I dont think I wouldve been able to go through that if I didnt have my boyfriend with me. 

It felt like he was the only one around me at the time who wasnt judging me for being scared. I have always had pretty severe anxiety, seeing as I had my first panic attack when I was nine or ten years old, and now Im almost eighteen and I now have them almost, and if not, daily. Even though everyone around me knows that, they just expected me to be able to get up and go back to my normal, still not really fufilling, life. Which, really pissed me off. 

But, I did end up being able to do more. I was able to get up, clean my room a bit, I could walk around and make my own food (not alot but it was progress for me). But, like two weeks ago it just felt like it got all bad again. I wasnt able to get out of bed without feeling weak and dizzy. I was having panic attacks constantly, and just honestly felt completely off in general. 

I ended up just having a double ear infection, which I currently am still dealing with the aftermath of, which was causing vertigo. 

I just....hate  it

I hate that I cant get up, or go hang out with friends, or go to the store, or for fucks sake, sit in my damn living room with my dog because Im scared something bad will happen to me and Ill pass out again. 

Everyone is telling me that I can't let my self be controlled by this, and I cant just put my life on hold. But, it is so much easier to say that then to do it. I want to have my old life back, I was stressed, but i was happy. I didnt do much during the day--Im home schooled-- but I was happy. It just feels like everyone thinks its all in my head. Which, it is all in my head, but, I have an anxiety and depression disorder. There is something actually wrong with my brain and I cant help it. 

I went to the doctor the other day though and got on some new anxiety and depression meds, lexapro. If anyone had read this all the way through and has taken lexapro, just tell me how your experience was on it. I know everyone experiences meds differently but it would be nice to hear anyways. 

Thanks for letting me scream into the void, this was pretty theraputic and I should honestly do it more often. If you read or skimmed this, ily fr. 

Have a good day/night!!!

love, 

       bunni