I climb big icey rocks

It was December 2021. I had resolved to live, to be to face myself. I choose to start hrt again after dealing with a dose that was too high. I started going back to therapy. My therapist simply asked have you heard of osho here he dropped an osho quote that altered my self hatred my fear. I decided to celebrate to explore I felt so free. I drove out to the Mississippi palisades in a snow storm about 2 feet fell that day. I was listening to august burns red and sworn in. I made it to Savanna and the Mississippi was beautiful. I parked in the far parking lot at the Mississippi palisades because the snowfall blocked the high roads to the other parking lot. I made my way to the citadel and traversed the snowy ice wi3 slopes up to the ridge. Then it was another long ascent up a mixed route with a 20 ft cliff to another snowy icey wi3 slope i used sticks to climb the icey snow. Then it was down through a valley but at the top I stood thought about the pain of having no close friends I cried at how beautiful life is and that I had no one to connect with. I went down into the valley. Then it was a hike a mile or so. I reached the chimney a 70ft whole body crack that had ice and snow in it. I went for it I was climbing rock then ice and snow twisting turning grabbing at holds and balancing. At one point around 50ft up I climbed out of the body crack held to the edge and hung out taking exposure it was easier than climbing the ice with my trusty sticks. I made it to the top of the crack. There was varglas all over the small ledge it was slippery and the rocks where loose at random. I traversed the ledge 80ft up and made my way up some slabby rocks higher still up a small ledge to a shelf I was 20 ft from the top and I stopped the goal was never the top it was to experience freedom to go somewhere no one else would it was a journey a risk and a embrace of life. I stopped there and then sat I pulled out my bagpipe practice chanter and played some jigs an eagle flew and hovered over me the gusts making her shake and tilt quickly to recover the Mississippi stretched out before me the wind feeling so fresh I spoke to the eagle and said it’s no fair you get to be so free and live here I can’t stay here where I am from it is sad and I can barely be myself people suck I only feel like me when I am climbing. I watched her hover and dive away taking that story with her. The ice was so beautiful on the Mississippi small ice bergs made their way down stream. I felt so peaceful after an intense and dangerous climb I had improved and wondered what it would be like to have an ice axe and crampons how much higher would i go and what would I climb. I dreamt of ice and mountains and freezing freedom of going places people can only dream of of seeing the heights and the small ledges and caves most people will never know it made me feel so present so much. The down climb was amazing the exposure was breathtaking. I felt so confident someday those mountains they’ll be a reality for me