Two Birds, One Bone To Pick

…. Where do I begin?? It’s been a while. I guess I should start off with the fact that I’m pregnant. It’s C’s baby. I love him more than anything. I found out in January. That being stated, I’m in too deep. 

So after we found out I was pregnant, C’s house got robbed. He asked me to move in with him and I was overjoyed. So I brought over my most treasured possessions to begin moving in…. Well… the son of a bitch got robbed. Meaning all of those possessions, including my expensive inherited rings and Apple Watch, got stolen. For a while I questioned if the whole thing was a setup. C is still madly in love with me though and determined to make it even if we are broke, so I truly do believe it was just poor timing. 

C got his shit together quick though and ended up buying the most perfect little home. I adore it. It’s the place I will raise my children, maybe….

Today I met with the diabetes consultant. They tested my urine and it came back with high protein. Between that and other factors, such as the fact that I had a migraine that lasted 3 whole days last week, I likely am on the track for preeclampsia. I’ve written a good number of papers on this topic through college and I’m scared. 

I think I’m having mood swings or some kind of personality changes with the hormones and headaches. I picked a fight with C today and it got ugly, I mean ugly ugly. I went in to try and cuddle with him this morning and he just pulled away. Again, my bloated feelings are hurt. 

What makes things worse is that I was on a good note with P about divorce before C got robbed. Because C got robbed and isn’t safe in his apartment, I let him move in with me even though my life is a mess right now. C wants me to tell P that I’m leaving him and that I’m pregnant. I have a child with P though and P has been abusive towards him. Not just that, P is a different person when he loses his shit and he’s come close to choking me. I don’t want him to black out from rage and ohhh…. Idk…. Fill me full of lead, strangle me or worse. Past all of that; I don’t want it to happen to my sweet son. 

Now I bet you’re thinking “okay, so why haven’t you left yet”… well my anonymous internet compadre, P completely eviscerated my credit. Meaning I can’t get an apartment or get out on my own. Successful f-ing me over and forcing me to stay while I clean things up. 

While C understands this, he is annoyed. He wants me to tell my super religious mother, who doesn’t even want me to get a divorce, that I am now pregnant. 

I know my situation is not traditional, but I am doing all I can make it out without everyone killing each other, or killing me for that matter. I just don’t know. 

I’m having a hard time trusting C. We used to share locations on snap and find my. He doesn’t have an iPhone anymore though and he is like selectively turning his snap location on and off. In the past he has lied to me about where he was at. He told me he was home but he was really at his exs house, staying the night. Eventually we broke up bc I didn’t trust him anymore, but we missed one another so we got back together and that son of a bitch really did baby trap me. He’s got a wandering eye and I’m really wondering if I won’t be better off just on my own. 

I’m about to have two kids to be thinking about. I can’t waste my time with a man who is clearly going to end up cheating on me at any time. That’s how we ended up in this situation to begin with. 

Once again. I just don’t know.