The 13 Experience: Stress and School (February 25)

hey so,, vent

Unfortunately that feeling didn't last... I want it back. During school I pondered about what I felt, it was eerily nostalgic and reminded me of the happiness I experienced when I was a toddler and really young, the happiness and peace I'd get whenever I woke up. Motivated, ready to do anything. Being with my friends, loving school and not having to hate anything. Everyday I'd be so happy and content with my life, what could go wrong?

God, I want that feeling back. I want it back so much. Is that feeling rare to get again? I know I can be normal if I really cope, but when I get better, I'll be able to experience the exact same feeling, right? I hate hormones. I don't want it to affect that happiness and positivity I had. I want to wake up ready to tackle anything. But  not any feeling similar to that. I want it to be JUST what I had before. I want it back.

I know I'm probably being dramatic and that it's just teenage hormones but I've been feeling down lately. My parents cancelled my therapy, too much high standards for my grades since  my academics give me a lot of validation and approval, I keep procrastinating, I don't want to get out bed, I spend too much time on the internet and I can't take a break. 

I don't want to get better or do the things I want to do because i'm occupied with studying. I'm getting socially distant from my friends, I can't even listen to them whenever they speak to me. I'm scared. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even real or if I should really be in this world. If I get better, will people love and care for me the same way they did when I was struggling? Or were they just doing it out of pity? Do they even want to listen to me or hang out with me?

Who's going to take care of me when I grow up? I mean obviously I have to do it. I have to be independent, that's what I strive on. I don't want to rely on people. But I hate being alone when all it does is make me want to kill myself every single second I'm not with someone. I can do my parents but I'm not comfortable with telling them my problems. I want someone to be with me. Care. Take care of me. Love m. Say that they'll stay. Why can't friends forever exist? Can you listen to me?  I want to die so badly... but the world is so big and I wanna explore. I know I'm a self absorbed person who zones out whenever you talk to much no matter how much i truly care and listen to you and how I'm always secretly comparing my mental health to others and if others mental health is worse than mine I'm not valid, how I want to be worse so people love me again. I'm loved though. But I always want more attention. I crave approval and validation to the point I let strangers and adlults praise me even though it's wrong. Maybe I'm just an attention whore. I don't knpow.

I hate it all, why the hell did I have to fuck my own life over just for ONE person. I was so desperate even though I had a loving family and home why did I have to screw it up? Why did you do that? Why? WHy couldn't you just   think for a seocnd and think of the life you scouldive bahd anif you didnt fuck ieveryhting pupu  jjj      Now hloo werhere I am 

what am i doing                                 i'm such an attention seeker, making a blog about this for everyone oto se e but this is a place where I'm able to freely express myself without anyone getting bored of me.