week update - 2! (cw: sh, suicide mentioned)

ok i think i missed a week but that's okay. i'm gonna talk abt last week. so WEDNESDAY i was destined to perform a slapstick routine for my drama class, now LISTEN HERE. i was absolutely TERRIFIED for this more than i ever have been because 1. i was exiled from my friend group to join this random group (max ppl was 4 and there were 5 of us (okay i wasnt exiled i volunteered)) and the people in this group aren't very drama-ery ykwim? so i was worried abt that, and seeming like a bad actor to all of my drama friends you know? cuz they're all really good actors and i wanna prove myself. 2. our teacher gave us BARELY ANY TIME to practice. lemme lay out how our week went

1. practice all lesson, fine

2. practice, halfway through the lesson everyone stopped to do a demo performance and get some feedback to work on, fine

3. practice a little, stop everything and do another demo performance. not fine. doing two demos back to back without even getting any time to work on the feedback we got last time wont improve our performance, and wont yield us any new feedback either. AND we need to stop everything to watch everyone when we could've been working on our fucking play.

so i was losing sleep over that, and it was gonna be the last lesson of my day so i had the whole day to worry yayyyy. FAST FORWARD for all of my english class that day i was biting my hands/fingers, which seems to be my new anxiety response. so it's now lunchtime, and i'm really starting to worry about drama and the biting and in my mind i was piling all the other things i need to do ontop so when i got to my lockers i spoke to my friend (this is what it went like)

me: "Hey, I'm just gonna go down to the library today, don't worry about me." I just needed some space and alone time yk?

her: "So you don't want us to come?" so this is tricky because like, i like y'all im not trying to be mean or anything i just need to be by myself

"no no, i'm just going by myself today." cuz like idk

So i get to the library and sit at the back in the aisles of books, and sit on the ground and pull out the book about self harm and suicide, because i wanted to try and help myself and around september last year i was feeling particularly suicidal. So i'm reading this book on the floor and a friend came over to me and was like "look who it is" haha all funny whatever, he left after that. So i get back to reading, and GUESS WHO APPEARS???? my friends, and THAT FRIEND WHO I HAD SPECIFICALLY TOLD NOT TO BOTHER ME *mortified emojis* and in this moment I'M READING THE KMS BOOK, THEY DON'T KNOW ABT THIS BRO. and so i'm so fucking pissed in this moment i wouldve ended it right then and there if i could i was so stressed and this made it worse. so my friends ask what i was reading and i said nothing in particular AND ONE OF THEM VERBALLY SAYS "SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE", THE NAME OF THE BOOK. WHAT THE FUCK MAN???? LEAVE ME ALONE???? so that was my wednesday OH OH AND GUESS WHAT??? THAT DAY? WE NEVER ENDED UP DOING THE SLAPSTICK VRO WE RAN OUT OF TIME THAT LESSON urghhhhhh AND AFTER SCHOOL I HAD MUSICAL REHEARSALS AND THE TEACHERS WERE MAD @ ME we were so not fly last week but maybe things will be better this wednesday.