When is life

Feeling like my life has ended and it has never begun.. i try to be grateful for the happiness i had but it feels like a commercial break and my life is the real shit show... im scared of aging cuz i never looked "glowed up" im scared of time having its effects on my personality and brain, i can see it already,,, im always waiting to break of this jail to LIVE and actually BE ME,,, poor girl has been locked up for so long i started to forget her,, im the problem and the world is the cause,, i hate this prolonged 'hope' that never comes I wish it'll all end already,,,