changes;love;relationships etc.

life has been feeling on autopilot last couple years, im embracing change so badly but im still waiting to see change. I know many people will understand this struggle. best change so far this year has been my new (first) relationship, which has been amazing so far and has been the first change to the 20th season of my life. 

tbh not many ppl talk enough about what being in a relationship is REALLY like as opposed to what it SHOULD FEEL like. For years i was "the single friend" of the group, never had a boyfriend or a date but still had people like me but never made moves. A lot of people (especially friends) made getting into a relationship look so easy; they never went into great depth into what a relationship is really like and instead intensly glorified the feelings you're expected to be feeling. they made it seem like you are supposed to be constantly excited, overstimulated and feeling intense emotions when you are in a relationship or with your current partner. Being neurodivergent, i didnt feel any of those feelings, i instead felt comfortable and normal like it wasnt a big deal. this worried the everlasting FUCK out of me, i thought i didnt love that person as much as I thought. the reality was i did, i was just overthinking and self-sabotaging. this jeopardised and ruined my relationship with my current boyfriend the first time (although we were never official and was only a first date) but after a while and time apart, we rekindled our connection and tried again after almost a year apart from each other. I still had those same thoughts but with reaffirmation from friends and my partner, i was okay and i was risking my self-sabotage again.

i wish friends had told me simply and honestly what a relationship will actually be like instead of making it seem like a out of universal feeling/expeirence when really it is just you feeling comfortable and yourself with someone you want to spend time with. You can still feel intense emotions for them whether romantically or sexually at times or special moments. But when people make it out to be like you are expected to CONSTANTLY feel and act that way, thats a problem.

I romanticized and intensely glorified my first kiss so badly. I had so much anxiety over it when i went on my first date w my boyfriend. but i had a 'fuck it' moment and just went for it. and... it felt normal. kind of anti-climactic lol. it rlly made me realise how much fuss and emphasis i put on things like my first kiss and moments in a relationship when at the end of the day.. it wasnt a big deal lol. sure others are different but for me it felt natural.

i understand love is something a lot of people seek badly and feel lost and alone without. i felt that way for a long ass fucking time and prepared myself to be a 30 yr old spinster at fucking 17 years old (thats fucking stupid). I wish i had fully embraced my single self when i realised at 18 how much fun it was. No restrictions. No expectations. No permission. just you and your friends having a bitchin time w no worries. what i will say to young people and people in general who still havent had their first love or are currently single or going through heartbreak. EMBRACE SINGLE LIFE. have fun. go out. focus on yourself. find yourself. in order to love another, you have to love yourself first. 

bye bloodys xx