moving and its ducklings!

haha i feel so guilty posting and talking about this... but i really am anxious! 

i got formally approved for housing!! im 2nd in line to get an apartment... that is actually crazy.. while that is exciting, i really have no clue when i could be moving out.. it could be next week, it could be 2 months.. my guess! but i couldnt get any definite guess from anyone- from 1 month to a year.. but i need an estimate to get my stuff by! 

so, stuff, im broke as hell.. cant afford much! but im so blessed... today, i went to a ladys house for the first time, just to make a new friend and to stay busy... she gave me SO much stuff.. bathmat, decorations, drinking glasses, curtains, so much more... i feel so bad, i was already bleeding her dry.. and i still asked for something! and she gave it!!! it was this giant pierrot decoration- its so amazing i havent been able to stop thinking about it... but if i didnt ask for it, id be sitting here thinking about it still! 

ontop of that, im finding everything i can on sale or for cheap.. im so happy i can buy most of this second hand! its nothing crazy but im going out with my friend next week to hunt for everything im needing- and going back to my dads house to grab things that i could use or ive forgotten...

ive been grappling with my grandmas (basically my mom) death lately.. going to my dads house means i have to grab her ashes... ironically, i have nothing to put them in and i need to figure something out! but that is such a terrifying thought. yea, im still processing my grief.. half of me feels like her but she isnt here to even see me progress like this. shed be so proud of everything im doing. everything i celebrate holiday wise is going to be with her in mind forever! it feels so strange to really talk about this with anyone because everyone i know irl really only talks about distant relatives passing... but this is so complicated it leaves such a knot in my throat.. im not a cryer but its made me cry so much lately. anyway, i was out shopping for cheap stuff i could use for my apartment. and i found a pillow with something she used to say to me- "i love you to the moon and back"... i was wearing the spiritual jewelry she gave me, and she also had a tattoo of a moon on her chest, where i have my star tattoo... call me crazy but i think i was meant to see that. yea i bought it... shame on me.. but i cried in the store twice after seeing it.. thats so hard to pass up on.

anyway, here to say again.. im so blessed to have what i do have.. i know a previous blog mentioned this, but im just so baffled by everything awesome thats been happening to me lately. it all feels too good to be true... i feel like this is one of those times im gonna always remember fondly. im surrounded by people i love- online and irl. im never bored or alone.. i always have something i can look forward to... i never really go without.. that is so amazing and privileged... i am so beyond grateful, i wouldnt be here without the help of literally everyone around me.. nothing but positivity here, nothing but love here.. ill never have it like this again. i wanna have a cookout or a picnic before i leave- a final hangout before i leave those closer to me in the area.. i wont leave them forever! i just wont see anyone nearly as much... but ill be near my boyfriend.. sigh

a lot to think about, a lot to handle.. lately, ive been loving daft punk.. its a large callback to my childhood.. i dont have much of it anymore, amnesias a bitch, but the older i get the more it doesnt matter. anyway, ive been into the song "touch" a lot, for this lyric:

"hold on, if love is the answer youre home"

my dad used to love this part of the song.. i never really got it until now.. i guess it resonates with me alot

a lot to grapple with in one blog, but this signifies such a large change in my life.. calls for so much reflection.. last time i moved, i was just about homeless! i mean im legally homeless now.. but i have a roof over my head.. love be to all reading this