slight improvement (?)

im quitting cigarettes. they stopped satisfying me and just felt gross so i dont want to be involved anymore. im still having occasional cigars but i kinda wanna try to phase out of that too eventually. i got a new vape thought and its really cool!! (not the kind of attitude i should have, i know) its the size of my hand LOL anyway.

most of this mental switch happened when at midnight on the 17th i was very very VERY under the influence and it made me freak out because i had way way WAY too much of it and i couldnt possibly get home myself. i watched everyone around me at the kava bar drive home expecting me to just get better in 30 minutes or so. i couldnt think or speak clearly. the best way i could explain the mental feeling was almost being awake and having wide open eyes but things happen and you dont even realize time has just passed. i was remembering things that happened 5 seconds prior, but in that moment that was the first time the moment was occurring in my brain, almost as if i was constantly lagging behind mentally and couldnt stay in the moment at all. in total it lasted maybe 3 and a half hours? i of course didnt stay parked there at the bar for that long, thank god one of my really good friends ive met at the kava bar recently checked up on me after i seated myself in my car around midnight and he just so happened to leave his phone sitting on the roof of my car when him and i were (attempting) chatting about stuff. 

(side tangent by the way, his girlfriend called his phone TWICE when they had already left to see if maybe it was misplaced in the car they drove or if someone would pick it up wherever it was left, and because it was on the ROOF of my car that i was SITTING INSIDE OF, i started hearing an iphone ringtone REALLY REALLY LOUDLY, like it was directly in my eardrum, KEEPING IN MIND I DONT OWN AN IPHONE AND HAVENT SINCE THE IPHONE 4, and even if i DID i was ON MY PHONE calling someone during all of this, so itd literally be impossible, so of course i was freaking the fuck out from this and this had to be the absolute longest phone ring ever, i swear it literally lasted for half a minute it felt like, and after it ended the first time it rang again but for only like 10 seconds thank god.)

anyway because of this, him and his girlfriend drove back to kava to get their phone and they were able to check up on me again, and luckily my friend was able to drive my car back to my house, which was only a half mile away. i didnt have to let my family know about it which was what i was mainly worried about for the majority of it. when i was home i struggled to sleep and keep myself calm enough to even sleep in general. i woke up several times throughout that night still under effects, and it wasnt until 5 am that i woke back up and was stable enough to say that i was finally back to normal. i went back to sleep and woke up pretty late (i was off work the following day thankfully) relieved to feel normal again and was regretting everything that lead me up to that moment, going weeks or even a month or so back. it was just a major breaking point for me and now i gotta stop. i probably wont be indulging in the same substance anymore, or atleast not nearly as much as i did before. hopefully quitting cigs will be a slippery slope to removing all these bad substances from my life. im not even getting drinks from the kava bar anymore, im just there in the building hanging out with other people. 

on the topic of bad habits, im probably gonna pull back on my other really bad habit. think i finally had enough of it. i got some really bad marks from previous outings that even after a few weeks are still very very present on me so im starting to get a little tired of it. i got this cool matching bracelet and necklace set that look like a ring of blood, and its fairly realistic, and somehow that visual alone is calming my senses. i dont think it was ever about the ouchies, it was about the visual appeal because my brain is weird or whatever. maybe im wrong though.

mentally i think im okay, time has just been kinda passing. i dont really have much to do anymore or have much want to do anything to begin with. i got a new song recorded a few days ago, and my album is still stuck in mixing hell atm, but other than that ive done literally nothing with my life. my room is a damn mess right now and i havent washed clothes in almost 2 months. im running out of socks at this point and ive reworn clothes more than ive worn clean clothes (this is including my work clothes too). i just need to patch up some small stuff. im finally starting to care about my looks again. i wasnt really shaving or dressing up much outside of work for a long time as i didnt have anyone to look good for or have any reason to look good for myself. ive been trying to get my nails painted again for the past 2 weeks or so but keep forgetting to do so or keep procrastinating by sitting and doing nothing for way too long before i eventually realize its too late to get my nails done. vrchat isnt getting dull but its not really hitting the same for me anymore. not sure why. i am technically dating again (atleast as of recent things became official(?)) and its nice to have someone there for me. just something feels off about everything right now. like im not in the right place at the right time. its hard to explain but ill probably be alright otherwise.

ive been spending too much money. on a lot of things but most of it is alcohol. i spent over 300 dollars at my store that i work at in january alone. im not even drinking or finishing most of the stuff that i buy. a lot of things i bought around the time i started working i still have sitting in my house, unfinished and untouched, and yet i still go and buy new things that either remain unopened for a while or get drank once and put away for all eternity. i need some sort of mini bar. maybe that way i can serve drinks properly and not feel bad about having them or drinking them.

also i got a new guitar. brand i never heard or seen before. literally called "vintage". they design their guitars to look aged without actually being aged. was under 500 bucks and is essentially a telecaster, which ive been trying to get for years now. fills my need to play american football tunes very well. literally sounds identical to the records and it plays beautifully. was luckily already set up well and had new strings so thats good. now maybe ill finally write a proper emo tune for my solo project and release it (eventually). 

uhhhh i dont know what else to write here right now...its been a while since ive typed this much lol...thats it for now i guess bye

"between you and me, im not proud of anything"