idk how to name it sorry :(( kind of a life update

heyyyyy isek who's gonna read this lol but I kinda needed to like vent or smth??? thought I'd post like a little life update or smth (update on what lol I only posted like once)

so yea first off school's absolutely fucking terrible!!! idk abt y'all I live in Italy and schools here are the absolute fucking worse, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. so yea basically I got like a couple classes I need to improve in (like 3/$ can't remember exactly) and istg if I don't manage to (which I won't cuz it's actually fucking impossible) istg I'm kms cuz I am NOT spending yet ANOTHER summer studying n working n shit like NO fucking way. y'all pray 4 me cuz these weeks are gonna be SO full of tests n oral tests n I SWEAR I'm gonna die like actually.

been fighting with my parents more lately cuz apparently I don't eat enough?? BITCH LIKE Ik y'all can't see me but bro I PROMISE I am NOT malnourished like not at ALL BRO IM NOT EVEN A WHALE I'M THE WHOLE ASS REEF

been having nightmares abt my ex coming back too!!! idk how to feel abt that tbh, my friend says it's my brain trying to process the trauma but NO PLS PROCESS IT ALONE DONT BRING ME INTO THIS!!!

mental health's completely gone. out the window. istg it's can't even stand half the people I know by now

actually now that I think of it I can't stand ANYONE except my friends, I wuw my friends sm, sometimes they manage to pmo sm tho. like I have this one friend that gets SO fucking mad over the SMALLEST things and then proceeds to ignore u for hours/days (depending on hoe he's feeling atm) OR OR OR sometimes he js BLOCKS me for stuff I have NOTHING to do with?? like this one time he had to meet up with his long distance boyfriend, and didn't manage to for a matter of like seconds, and he blocked ME??? LIKE HELLO??? istg I could go on all night abt this guy...

anyway I kinda have had a couple problems with my own bf too but everything's more or less resolved now?? lol I'm so good at resolving issues (I can't even solve my own lmao)

back to the mental health thing, tbh idk how to get out of it. I've been stuck like this for years but it just gets progressively worse the more time I spend alive. recently it's so bad that I've realized I WANT to get abused again. I do wanna be hurt and then told im loved, idek why but sometimes I do wanna go back to when my ex isolated me from everyone else in my life. I know it's bad and I shouldn't want to feel this way, but it's like he's broken my brain or smth. I felt so loved even tho I know it's bad and I shouldn't want it at all. I'm sorry, I can't help it. I'm sure it's gonna get better tho.

i have this rlly strong urge to start sh lately n js get unhealthy habits in general cuz it feels like if I hurt myself physically it's ok cuz I already wanna get hurt psychologically (sorry this is a terrible way to say it idek if it's comprehensible at all) 

anyway I'm gonna close this entry here otherwise it would be WAY too long and I do't wanna make it too heavy lol

ANYWAY Y'ALL REMEMBER FOR ANYTHING MY DMS ARE ALWAYS OPEN !!! NIGHT NIGHT EVERYONE <33