‣23/02/25

01:35

*disclaimer: somewhere along the way this cute catch up sesh turned into a huge rant about some built up annoyance ive got about someone... dni if u dont wanna read smth that sounds like it came out of dork diaries pls and thank u*

wow guys first weekly entry!! i already have one entry but this is my first official SUNDAY entry which is the start of a routine and an era so thats nice. its literally one am in the morning so its not the most suitabke time to be posting this bc my sundays BARELY started but i was just too excited so here we go 

ermmm theres not much to say about this week in general ngl cuz its half term for me, i spent half of it rotting on my phone and the other half either studying or building this silly website. its actually getting bad though like im meant to be locked tf in but all i can think about is content ideas or like what i can add to spacehey. man i love being an unemployed full time procrastinator because that means i end up doing everyhing EXCEPT studying, but hey at least ive got a super cool website not :)) i hung out with my friends on wednesday though for one of my friends bdays and that was ncie. her pasta was so damn good. like soo good. homecooked food from my friends parents are always the beset food fr (im saying this as my favourite food is literally my ex bsfs lunches that her mum cooked)

actually, whilst were talking about friends (and to turn this into a more interesting, thought - provoking entry), i did just watch a tiktok that said 'when u can tell someones kindness is performative and not representative' and OH MY GOF when i tell u this has hit the literal nail on the head for how ive been feeling about someone for lterally the longest time ever and i feel like such a shitty person bc im supposed to be pretty close to this girl and ig its not that deep anyways but everything she does feels so superficial?? like our entire friendship just ffeels so performative and fake and it just feels like were only really friends just to say that were each other's bsfs and play pretend and its so odd because when shes talking to me when she knows ppl are watching i physically feel the change?? like girl dont play i KNOW u only asked me if i was okay and that i could talk to u if i needed in front of that group of ppl because u want their validation and u want them to think ur such a damn great person but in private u literally never check up on me ever and when i opened up to u about my problems ur firsrt instinct was to try and one-up my problems with ur own. like damn i already knew i was ur backup friend, but finding out that im the literal OBJECT for ur performance so that you recieve praise and validation?? like shit dude im so low on her list that im not even someone u want validation from im literally the thing u use. damn. just damn. when i tell u bro im meant to be her best fucking friend but our friendship has no connection to it. our friendship to me feels like a literal void. i have more chemistry with my favourite fanfiction than this girl

its just like ughh so annoying because i have absolutely NO problem leaving this girl bc clearly we both dont feel any connection to each other, but its just like shes holding me hostage atp like if i do anything she doesnt like shell literally start running her damn mouth to ALL of our mutual friends. and its funny bc she doesnt even value me as a person either like shes just keeping me there for decoration atp 

honestly though now im seeing everything so much clearer now that i know shes not the poor old victim that she always makes herself out to be. i literally hate myself for being so blind to her lies because what the hell. like she thinks shes automatically entitled to being a victim in any situation because she thinks shes going through the worst problems in the world because her mummys strict, but shes literally so rich she gets anything she wants with just an ask, has the sweetest most emotionally supportive dad EVER, literally didnt know that some people struggle with keeping food on the table until about 2 months ago (mind you shes the big old age of 16), gets counselling, has beautiful loving friends, has her whole life planned out PERFECTLY for her, and yet shes still tweaking out over a situation that literally shouldve ended months ago and is HER FAULT?? its actually jarring bc shes so much more well off than most other ppl ik (im not even talking about only in terms of money either - friends, looks, social life, she has it all) and yet she literally acts like nobody else has ever had a singular trouble in their life. 

ugh i love u but u need to pipe tf down with all this attention seeker behaviour uve got going on

anyways! were off to a great start with the weekly blogging clearly. sorry guys that wasnt meant to turn into some huge rant. i needa ask my other friend for advice about this actually because holyyy