having yet another gender identity crisis

ive gone through this about 2-3 times before in my pretty, short lived life, not including this one. the first initial one was in middle school around 2021 or so and of course when my parents found out, they talked me out of it (completely invalidated my feelings on the topic and just 'convinced' me i wasnt what or who i though i was and just said i was "acting like that to fit in") and i kinda just took it. i dont enjoy having conversations like that with anyone really, let alone my parents who i knew wouldnt accept me. next school year, they transfer me to a new school so that i can start fresh and not be associated with all of the friends that i had made and built my 'fake' identity up around. i still had the thoughts of "maybe i am a boy? or do i just want to stand out? maybe im just faking it all to seem special." and since then, ive gone to the original high school i was going to go to before being transferred, and even now, without being associated with the same people from middle school, i still have the thought of "i wish i was a boy."

i feel its also important to mention that every time i join a new community on the internet that people ik irl wont find me, i start as 'myself'. im zee. im a girl. but after even just a few days i have this inexplicable urge to be perceived as a boy. its a slow transition from she/her to she/they to any pronouns to he/him. i just cant help it (and yes i know and understand that gender is more than just the pronouns, but it is quite literally just something, like a feeling, that i cant even fully explain with words.) and then ill try to start fresh again, be that with a new account or with changing everything about me back to being a 'girl', but it just doesnt feel right.

i dont know what to do. this is all slowly just ruining my life and tearing it apart because i have literally no one i can go to for this. i know that if i tell my parents they will just shut me down and turn me away, and while im sure i could talk to my friends about this, its just too difficult for me to. im not good with deep emotional conversations when it comes down to things like this, like me having a true genuine crisis because i have such a strong feeling that im being judged or that my friends will think of me differently and that ill just ruin everything. and while i know that is almost definitely not the case, i just cant help but feel that way anyways.

i dont expect anyone to see this or care enough to read it but if you did, thank you.