Entry 32 || Mindspace

I might sound crazy for saying this, but

I have little people in my head

I’ll elaborate

I’ve been, admittedly, having a hard time with some things--mostly about bland personal stuff. At some point, it became increasingly difficult to process all those complicated feelings and emotions that kept (and are still) stirring in my head, so amidst a mental breakdown, I picked up my stylus and drew it out.

And I drew this… person. This thing, being, that reflected every ounce of complex emotion I felt amidst that breakdown. I drew her with red eyes, black hair, and the most prominent detail, her devilish features: horns, goat ears, and sharp tail. It was at that point where I realized and untangled every messy thread of emotion.

What I drew was my perception of myself.

It was a terrible person.

A demon.

I am a terrible person.

Ever since I drew them, my mind's been utilizing this as a strange method for understanding myself.

When I’m feeling too many things at once, I imagine those little people I’ve created in my head—people that embody parts of myself; it was as if I split myself into chunks.

It has been almost a year, and I think about them everyday.

So I’m here to talk about them.

Fair warning, this is *not* DID of any of the kind. I’m saying this because I’ve made attempts at telling other people about this, only to be questioned if I have DID. I have no symptom of the sort. I’ve checked and I fully know that. Plus, it's like... what?

The “little people” I’m about to introduce aren’t reflections of my emotions, even if they may appear to be so or are seemingly defined like so. It doesn’t work like Inside Out lmao.

It’s as if I picked out every characteristic I have and turned it into a person with a mind of its own. I know I sound crazy for saying that, but everyday, I give myself time to let these “little people” run around in my head with no declared or predetermined narrative whatsoever (I don’t know how my mind does it nor do I even know how to describe that phenomenon accurately). But somehow, their interactions subconsciously reflect complex thoughts that I don’t see in myself directly, allowing me to understand it much better.

So before I actually introduce them, I simply ask of whoever’s reading this to respect them, since they’re extremely delicate and reflect the most vulnerable parts of myself. And while I won’t judge nor mind it if you think I’m crazy for this, please just don’t judge them at least

Thanks

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> Mindspace <

They all live in this white empty space with smooth reflective flooring. The space stretches beyond the distance, but running aimlessly can get you running into a reflective wall at somepoint, so yes, it’s an empty space, but it’s not entirely endless.

The space can shift and change in appearance according to mood. As I described earlier, the space is usually white but can sometimes shift color or theme, such as gray (gloom), black (hopelessness or desolation), violet (numbness), and some of the most recent that I’ve discovered being muted green (self-care) and muted blue (comfort).

The little people that reside in it all have the power to change and bend the space according to their liking.

There are six people in total, but one isn’t ready to be introduced (possibly from shame?), so I’ll only be discussing five (by order of creation).

=== 1.) R (My Persona)
Dominant color: Muted Blue

Traits: nervous, self-conscious, shy, clumsy, insecure, emotionally fragile, pushover

- The first to spawn in and has always been around for years. 

- Responsible for creating the Mindspace and the rest of the others (some of which were even unintentional).
- Has the most control over Mindspace, despite not seeming nor feeling like so.

- Shows an extreme case of co-dependency and longs for emotional/sentimental connection from others, but also prefers to be alone (as a part of their introverted characteristic).

- The constant screw-up that gets the majority of the blame everytime something goes wrong.

- Expresses genuine care and worry for the others and the outsiders (the outsiders being people in real life), as it is part of their nature.

- Suffers from frequent dissociation, guilt, and existential crisis. When this happens, the Mindspace bends into an overly-saturated bluescreen error with flashing and glitching static.
- When at peace, the Mindspace turns into a muted blue environment with tranquil shallow water and floating lilypads.
- Is physically abused and tortured by [Re].

=== 2. [Re]
Dominant color: Carmine Red
Traits: violent, short-tempered, defensive, sassy, protective, narcissistic, abusive

- The second to spawn in Mindspace. Upon their arrival, they were completely blank, emotionless, exhibited little to no remorse whatsoever, but has become more stable and humane since then.
- Serves as the reflection of the "terrible person" I perceive myself to be, and admittedly the most complex character among the group.
- Abuses R heavily via non-remorseful beatings and torture (and can range from physical punching to body dismemberment and contortion). They frequently carry a gun around and only appears to do so when R does anything remotely "wrong" or "worthy of cleansing and correction."
- Enables R's feelings of shame and insecurity.
  R: "I'm a terrible person"
  [Re]: "The worst in the world~!"
- Surprisingly exhibits a protective nature for R despite their toxic relationship, and would keep R out of any situation that seemed "dangerously prone for vulnerability" (unless R declines the offered protection).
- Seeks to be hated by others as a defensive measure and coping mechanism.
  R: "People hate me"
  [Re]: "And that's a good thing!"

- Suffers from an undisclosed but deeprooted fear?
- When under stress, the Mindspace bends into a twisted bloody environment, void of any light color. Their horns and tail also grow longer, and in some cases, can even grow devil-like wings.

- Frequently resorts to blaming other people for mistakes or consequences.
- When outsiders interact with me, [Re] serves as the frontman to them. Shockingly, [Re] is capable of helping struggling outsiders through "brutal honesty" and aggressive passion, unless R is indirectly called over to help.

=== 3. Y
Dominant color: Pastel Purple

Traits: blank, numb, expressionless, logical, attentive

- The third to spawn in Mindspace. First appeared bit by bit until their purpose fully developed and became relevant.

- The "mediator" between R and [Re], hence their watchful and attentive nature.

- Rationalizes between R and [Re] amidst argument, but frequently resorts to physically separating both from each other for long periods of time.

- Rarely talks.

- Rarely suffers from any stress due to emotional numbness, but can "override" the Mindspace when it is made increasingly unstable by others. When they do so, the Mindspace becomes a distinct pastel purple color.

- While they rarely suffer from stress, they can become erratic and unpredictable. When they see numbness as a necessity, they turn stubborn and prevent others from shaping the Mindspace for "extreme measures and precaution."

- A great listener, especially for R.

- Currently pondering about their purpose.

- Is seemingly blamed by someone for something in the past?

=== 4. Glee

Dominant color: Yellow

Traits: weird, odd, unpredictable, obnoxious, bothersome

- The fourth to spawn in Mindspace. First appeared out of nowhere with no purpose to fulfill or contribute whatsoever, but was later assigned a purpose by others as "the weird one."

- Has an unpredictable and seemingly aimless nature.

- Isn't entirely liked by the others due to their annoying and obnoxious personality. [Re], however, takes interest to them.

- Sometimes gets along with [Re].

- Likes to lay on the floor for hours. Occasionally rolls around.

- Stares blankly at others and likes to watch.
- Scribbles on the floors.

- Likes to dance, but isn't really good at it.

- Has never spoken once.

- Can sometimes let out a huge burst of energy when needed, but can result to their temporary shutdown.

- When energetic, the Mindspace turns into a bright yellow as they aimlessly run around with a blank expression.

- Chose their name not because the name represents them (to which it doesn't), but rather because they simply liked the sound of it.

=== 5. Self-Care

Dominant color: Green

Traits: soft, caring, sentimental, patient, understanding, nurturing

- The fifth and one of the most recent to spawn in Mindspace, but possesses an unstable physical form that is yet to develop.

- Speaks in a gentle and soothing tone.

- Likes to be there for everyone else out of pure and genuine intention.

- Appreciated by everyone except [Re]. [Re] occasionally expresses a hint of resentment towards them.

- Only takes over Mindspace when necessary. When they do, Mindspace turns into a soft green environment with lush moss as grass, with a couple flowers.

- Seemingly knows and wants the best for everyone, especially for R.

- Seems to like crochet.

- The one I know the least and still learning from.

=== 6. ???

Dominant color: Pink

Traits: ???

- The most recent to spawn, but doesn't wanna be introduced by the others yet.

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It still bizarres me with just how much my brain's suddenly relied on visualizing these characters to understand complex thought. It worries me a little, because a part of me doesn't wanna rely on this kind of mechanism too much from how crazy and psychotic it sounds.

They do have specific appearances, but I don't think a mere description would be able to properly portray what they truly look like. Maybe I can draw them out someday.