poem I wrote in liek10-12 minutes

am I cooking or is this shite be honest haha

tw: mentions of suicide

looking at your silhouette burned into the center on my retinas exactly as you would have laid next to me
closing my eyes only obscures the backdrop, I see you clear as day
Why does your lack of your presence seem as sentient as your presence itself
somehow the shape of you feels superior to me even now
well you've seen me try to form and find god in the very room where we once shared that place together
for god is a place, not a person or being, a moment in an environment we are seldom allowed to see
what we had was not god.
 I was not in awe by it's complexity and scale.
The moments we shared did not feel like being in the presence of a greater being.
Rather it was the form that rationalized that heavenly abyss
what I felt in those moments was an unmoving security, like we were melting into the holy place around us, we knew it was home.
I knew it was home because you were with me.
You are not here, this place no longer welcomes me. the negative space you once took cannot see me. It's the bed, the walls surrounding where you were supposed to be. That knows it is superior.
Of course it does, it's god.
Why can I not melt away into the noise on my own?
These manmade molds have sharpened my edges
into the idea of a man
a man who's strayed so far from his natural features that he is disgusted by them
but with you these molds were just ideas shoved into the back of my head.
I knew what was natural
you were natural.
I'm so disgusted by what I once freely admired in you.
even though I can rationalize why I shouldn't be
My moral compass changed shape
you did not want to change with me
you did not want to persist without me.
and so you chose to disappear.
I still wonder if I made the right choice
I still do not feel as genuine as I used to
I grew, but in the wrong direction.
And I made you feel wrong.
I made you wrong for loving me.
I made myself feel wrong for loving you
The only part of me that warrants an essence of what we had is glaring and your silhouette.
I am the idea of a man
you did not need ideas. You just were.
I can feel the room around me fade into patterns
I am not fading with it of course.
 I wonder if the real you is somewhere in here.
melted into the colors and shapes slowly engulfing our old bedroom.
you did not warp into something unnatural, surely god welcomed you
how far must i descend until I am free to join you in this place.
I will never see you again.