my bad journal poetry collection

as it says! i looove just writing down how i feel at times so a lot of this is kinda edgy and corny . and also pretty old but i thought it would be good to get this stuff in one place hope yall enjoy lol

Lavender Light
I can feel a lavender light in my soul,
soft and sweet and innocent
and I see it in a bright shade,
a violent red
How many truths can one person hold?
How many lives until I'm split in two?
I count the stars- the sky's eyes
She looks down on me, I look up to her
This is the eternal, divine embrace 
I hope she will be my wife one day, but 
My soul will not go up into the heavens
While my body, dear, rots;
I shall rot with my figure 
And all my souls will flood the world
Flood the world with a great cry-
Can you see the lavender and crimson?
Please- let me share it with you!
Please, aren't I kind?
Take me into your home.
Allow me to consume you, too!

Stars
I look up
And they do not look back
Giant, real, uncaring
Stars
They do not judge
They only burn
They do not know
Only exist
Why?
Extra matter condensed 
My love,
the stars

St. Mary
Where do you go when you've been put to shame?
What do you do when the church is burning down?
   - I feel nothing at all.
Were you witness to God?
Did He call you by name?
   - I saw His face. I saw the doctor.
Did you lie at all?
Do you think redemption is realistic?
   - I only do what I am made to do.
Was it amazing?
To be forgiven?
   - It was not amazing to have felt the need for forgiveness.
But to be forgiven?
   - The guilt is not absolved!

From a growing tree
I do not remember when I began.
The seed does not define me now,
nor the sprout and sapling
My mother sent me far away-
or was it the wind tearing me away from her?
My own children leave me now.
Every season, I split and change and
I give up.
I cannot remember how long it has been since my first flowers sprung
and my bark began to harden
I am a simple thing, I can admit
not caring what happens next
The heat is always there to feed me,
even in the frost
The wet and cold come back for me
at some point, the saving point,
when it is far too dry and cracked
I am the tallest for miles
Birds nest in my branches and carry
my seeds away, and I do not care what happens
The people run their hands along me,
children shout, what does it matter?
I have all I need
These necessities just come to me
Yet I cannot run like the people
or fly like the birds
I do not get a choice.
Not to live, not to die
There is only what I need-
I can not care if I get it, if I don't
There is only one thing I can do:
continue.

Ultraromantic
We didn't see it the same way
When you reached out your hand to me
Or you put that bandaid on my shoulder
In those old days
Let me tell you what I saw:
let me write it out.
I saw the same soul with a different voice, an opposite voice 
I saw my own soul when you spoke
well to me, asked me about myself-
I saw it when you ruined my art
or told her she ought to die.
Yet now, I see you saw in me what you could always replace, and I, never
But now, I see what is replacing you
I'm learning to let you go
(where you never had me)
Yet maybe it is just new, never replacing you-
but maybe this can love me too
but as I always saw it.
Our souls were the same,
this newness I am unworthy of
Would I choose it over the face of God?
I would have you, in my selfish way
But this, I would- in my selflessness
Soon, the writings will not be to you,
but this will
And I will not think bitterly of you
when I see you with him, and those with your voice
Maybe I will laugh
And thank God for what you gave me
And thank God for what He's given me now
I couldn't tell you if you saw it the same way
You didn't need my blessing to leave
And maybe you don't think of me,
and maybe you do.
It no longer matters- no, it never did, I see it now.
As I let the past leave me
for something kinder than us,
something very new.

extra extra... notes app poem..

Ocean View
I see you in light blue and in the ocean view
I see you in the little cat in the neighbor's field and in the games you said you want to play
(I play them for you now)
I think of you half the time in infinite joy
And the other half I, shamefully, worry how they will see it:
holding hands, a kiss, chocolates-
(only chocolates have happened yet)
I hope you are a pretty dreamer,
as I have built palaces for us in my mind
(or rather cottages on cliffs
with a tortoiseshell cat
and a snow that suits your freckles
and a white chocolate as beautiful pale as you
and a warm touch of fingers
and an ocean that looks very much like you)