im like, a cool npc shopkeeper who gives out fishing rods

god ive been exhausted lately......theres no room for anything in my body except the will to snooze

lots of little joys these days. my fave team lead baked a bunch of cookies for the team and set aside a few for me so i could safely have some :-) then my best friend went to a barnes and noble that was closing down and bought me a copy of mary oliver's devotions, which was super sweet and such an apt symbol of our relationship, with the bird being fed on the cover and all. id forgotten that the poems are organized in reverse chronological order, but i love that touch. it feels like you're looking over oliver's life with her. i read it once a long time ago, but it's a faded memory, and im excited to read it again with this context

and the sky this morning was a beautiful shapeshifter: hazy purple above my freshly snowed street, then blue, then a deep void above the main street i followed on my way to work. clocking in at 6am has its benefits. i love the feeling of walking in the middle of the side street i live on after it's been dusted with snow, the white coat almost entirely unblemished by tires or bootprints

i had a realization the other day. i don't want to fight time anymore. i was raised to think that i could outsmart time if i was only clever enough about the way i structured my day. planning was the answer to all my anxieties; if i was worried about something, it's because i hadn't planned around the thing that was causing me worry.

as you might expect, this lingering mindset has caused me a lot of stress over the year. fighting time? that's, like. fighting god, kinda?? time's been there forever. id need to be quite the overleveled jrpg protagonist to take on such a foe. and why does it have to be an adversary in the first place? it's. ok. if im not perfect. it's. ok. if things don't get done. kinda reminds me of something my academic advisor said in my first year: i was talking about how i was upset that i was only finishing assignments the night before they were due instead of further ahead of time (what my dad would've wanted), and he said that it sounded perfectly fine to him. it's not like he could tell, as the professor, when id finished something. i realize now that what he was implying was that there was no moral weight to being ahead versus just on time. i wasn't better or worse b/c of my time management. but man, was i led to feel that way as a kid.......

im trying a new schedule system based on what feels good to me. ive always felt most comfortable when i get to focus on the same category of task for a long time in a row instead of switching between so many different things. sometimes u have to do a bunch of different things in a day of course, but as much as possible im going to try to pick a type of task and just. make that my day or evening. on my day off, we spent a long time cleaning (so much progress!!); last night my main task was starting a new book (anne carson's eros the bittersweet. god im excited about this one). tonight after i wrap up this post im going to do some meal planning

i can't do the thing where im always in a rush to catch up. catch up to what? it's not like i know where the end is