February 20, 2025

open entry

greetings,

as you know i have not been feeling mentally stable and well for a while now and there are a lot of things that are making me feel this way. it is very complex.

my perspectives about people:
every single day i go to school i have conflicted opinions whether i want to talk to you or not

either that i do not think about it and directly talk to you

but i really dislike the negative things about you which is influenced by my mom's perspective of you

i dont mean it 

do people really like to talk to me or do i just seem like a burden to you

only a select few

but do they really

i dont understand people

how they work

especially myself

i need people talking to me constantly to keep me sane

it makes me think, would i ever have someone that i could freely talk to without feeling left neglected and abandoned

or is this for everyone, do you get text messages from anyone? i rarely do

it hurts

if its to do with my personality please let me know

if its to do with my existence please let me know

i really want to fit in this society but i dont understand it well

no one really knows what i do after school because you dont care or

do i really exist in this world?

i just don't know. i never really had the chance to have long conversations with people and enjoy it

i just kinda get left in a situation where i can't fit in

im not a relatable guy

i have been repressing a lot of these feelings for years 2022 2023 in which there was a community that i THOUGHT i was a part of but it just fell short

is it because of me? is it because the sole existence of my very being that i do not fit anywhere

moving on

i feel pressured

mainly due to how people perceive me

and how i perceive others

i feel like an absolute fucking loser because i dont work hard

i just play instruments which is what i love and keeps me living

but the main fucking focus is to study

especially when i mess up a group thing

or i actually help and do everything instead

i just feel utilised and judged

sorry if you do it unintentionally

apparently all this while ive been studying wrong

i dont even know

i just feel left out when people actually know how to do questions while im just left not knowing and hating myself about it

why cant i get stuff

human relations

i try

i cant talk to certain people because there isn't any link of my topic of conversation

neither do i want to talk about general things

i hate that i just want to talk about my things

it sucks being me doesn't it

guilt

i just feel

somewhat

tormented with guilt

friends that i cant deal with anymore because of their flaws and their situations i cannot help with

its not like i dont want to

i just dont know how to

friends that i have made for literally no reason

career path

i have no interest in anything

literally

i just cant figure out anything to start with

music people dont earn much

dentists earn a lot but very hard to get job

doctor

sciency stuff

i guess these are some of the stuff i like i guess

this whole text may be a little bullshit but i dont know how else i can appropriately express my feelings about life

bear in mind some of these things are inaccurate because i really do not know how to express these correctly

my mind is very mangled and intertwined which is reflected by my school work

reilly

end entry