Struggles of Healthy Emotional Expression - Entry I

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Entry I

Sometimes I feel so lazy and I end up bed rotting in my room, it makes me feel horrible! I end up just sitting in bed because I feel so caught up in my emotions that I have no energy left to move, and when I do have the energy to do something, I just end up crying. There have been days where I left trash in my room, dishes piled on my desk, skipped meals, over ate meals, and a few times I didn't shower for like 5 days. I definitely had my bad days and I was struggling a lot, whether it be my mental health or social life, maybe even my religion, but I'm okay with admitting to that! I'm not embarrassed to admit that I struggle sometimes and I'm also not embarrassed to ask for help when I need it. Being a teenage girl can be so frustrating, and I'm not saying I'm ungrateful for the blessing that I have, but sometimes it becomes so overwhelming and I can't help but break down.  I used to have a problem with believing that because other people had it worse than me, that means I can't be sad because my life is "better" than theirs. I believe now that I'm entitled to being sad! I have the freedom to be sad! What’s important is my recovery of my own suffering, I don’t need to minimize my own. How does the saying go? “Someone who drowns in 7ft of water is just as dead as someone who drowns in 20ft if water.”

I'm so happy that I don't schedule my crying times anymore, isn't that really stupid? I used to be scared of being caught in my room crying because I didn’t want anyone to think I was struggling. I used to strive for perfection. Every Friday night I allowed myself to cry for only 10 minutes, I WASN'T ALLOWED TO CRY UNLESS IT WAS FRIDAY NIGHT!!! I realize my mistake now, but there is no point in rubbing salt on the wound, all I can do now is fix my mistake. I'm okay with being sad now. I get to cry whenever I want to because it feels good to let my emotions out. Sometimes, it can feel good to be sad! I'm not saying I want to be sad and that I don’t want to change, because I do want to change! I strive for kindness and love, but I can only do that if I allow other emotions to fit in as well. How am I supposed to love others if I can't love myself, right? That's why I believe that even if I'm having a day where I feel lazy, I won't punish myself for feeling that way. Instead, I'll just try harder next time! Recognizing that I am human and I deserve to express my emotions in a healthy way is beneficial and also healthy- instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'll start telling myself, "there is always tomorrow!"

I can't always control how I feel, but I won't let myself down and let guilt eat me up for feeling that way. Remember, if you are having a bad day, don't give up, because there really is always tomorrow. You can always keep trying, because all that matters is that you are doing your best (even if that means all you can do is cry on a Friday night. Progress matters!). 

Being happy-go-lucky all the time isn't my goal, and while that would be nice, being able to express my emotions in a healthy way is easier to achieve. I don't want to fall back to my old habits, I want to be able to grow. I share these experiences because I don't want people to think they are alone. There are people all around the world who carry that burden with you! Don't think that you have to carry it by yourself, because I assure you that someone feels the same way too. And if you do know what it feels like to bed rot, to cry on Friday nights, to feel guilty for being sad, I hope you understand I see you and that you are worth much more than that, and so am I!

I encourage you to watch this episode from Bluey called "Mum School" (Season 2 Episode 23). It really depicts how I started my journey of emotional expression. Bluey is struggling to be a good mother to her baby balloons, and even fails this make belief Mum School Bluey and her mom made up. But at the end of the episode, Bluey feels defeated for failing, but her mom tells her, "But that's okay, we all fail Mum School sometimes. We can just start again tomorrow."

I know that might be a little lame for me to include, maybe even childish and weird, but it was the only example I could think of to use for my blog. Anyways, thankyou for reading! Tell me your guys' own experiences with this type of thing, maybe if you relate to me at all, or just tell me your own opinion about it!