smth i wrote for school - 'invisible'

invisible

i’ve always felt invisible

whether it was kids picking their team for dodgeball or groups for a project, i was always last, left alone, and forgotten.

my backpack hangs low from my right shoulder and my jewelry clashes together as i walk. 

i love wearing tons and tons of jewelry. it makes me feel seen.

i sit in my seat at the back of the class and pull out my phone and earbuds. I shuffle my playlist full of Lil Peep and XXXtentacion and lay my head in my arms on the desk.

The bell finally rings and i head to my bus

someone throws a balled up piece of paper at me (daily occurrence) 

but for once, i snap.

“you’re not cool, piss stain. wasn’t that you i saw carrying athletes foot cream out of walmart yesterday?”

students’ “ooooo”s fill the bus. 

i sit down with my cheeks flushed and i put in my earbuds

music is the only thing keeping the peace as i’m falling to pieces.

i get home and lay in my bed

i love my bed

she’s seen it all

all the restless nights crying, the nights i hoped i wouldn’t wake up the next morning, all of it.

i go downstairs for dinner, knowing i won’t eat much. i never do.

after another awkward dinner with my parents who should be divorced and my brother who should be in juvie, i go back to my room and grab the bottle of pills under the bed.

i shove a handful in my mouth before gulping down a water bottle full of vodka.

maybe in another universe i can be happy without substances

i turn on my playlist and lay on the floor.

everything goes black

i won’t feel like this anymore.

i wake up early the next morning

it didn’t work.

i check my phone

6:30am

i force myself to get up

the past times when i overdosed i woke up feeling horrible

today i feel nothing.

no headache, no nausea, nothing at all.

i go splash my face with water and brush my teeth before throwing on baggy sweatpants and a hoodie.

i head downstairs to see my brother

“morning, crustball”

he completely ignores me and eats his cereal while scrolling through TikTok.

rude much?

i hear my mom scream upstairs

i run up as fast as i can

she’s at my door

did she find the vodka?

did she find the pills?

my dad and brother rush up

“what, mom?!” my brother says before dropping to his knees at my door

my dad is holding my mom while she’s sobbing

“what’s so important guys?” i ask completely lost with what’s happening

i walk up to my doorway and see my body still on the floor.

what have i done?