MY LIFE IS A QUESTIONABLE MESS?

diary entry [NO.1.]

It is draining the life out of me to be the help my mum wants but not needs.

let me explain.

 I help her and by help, I mean cradle her every need. I've taken upon her responsibility's ever since I was a child, but it only got worse when I was 16 and my mum kicked out my stepdad. dw I'm not sad about that he was a creepy dirty asshole. I am frustrated that I thought I could pick up the Pices of my mother's life and she would appreciate it and try to be better.
over the years she fell into a deep depression and self-diagnosed herself with multiple mental illnesses. 

attention seeking? yes

 false? I don't really think so. 

fast forward 8 years later I'm a 22-year-old stay at home mum.

 kids: my siblings

husband: none 

adoptive child: 1 and it's my mother! she has somehow managed to switch our relationship roles and idk how the fuck she did that shit. 

some Hogwarts magic up in here for reallllll!

She goes out at nights, she parties when she wants with who she wants, multiple boyfriends. never single. all Douch bags. drinks her head off then uses that as an excuse to not come home that night or the next day. am I surprised? not in the slightest. 

This theme is a recurring nightmare that is called my life. I cook, clean, and watch her children. I text and call her like a worried mother to her rebellious teen daughter.

: WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOMEEE? WHAT TIME WILL U BE BACK? PLEASE CALL ME SO I KNOW YOU ARE SAFEEE. ladadaDa! 

BITCH IM FING DONE! you sure as hell didn't come from my vagina. [yes, I said vagina grow up dickface :>]

and neither did these children all 5 might I add. 

any who as I've come to realise. being forced to quit school to help her was the wrong path...I should have fought for myself. but at the time I just wanted to be there for my mum. WHAT A JOKEEEEEE

I was a naive kid. i just wanted to help. Instead, i put myself in my own prison. THE IRONY IS INSANE. 

can you blame me though...i do sometimes but then i realise that no...i was the kid...i was the child and she was MY mother.

Now i just feel useless and pointless in what we call ''society'' i have no skills outside of being a mother. and i have no idea what I'm going to do with my little life. its honestly fucking SCARY. also, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO TAXES? 

Currently I'm stumped, no idea what my next move is or how to escape. don't get me wrong though. i do love my mother entirely...ik I'm INSANE! but if i could stop and trust me I've tried...i would have. but without her I'm completely alone in this world and no one would ever love me the way she does. its unexplainable. if you don't know what i mean then you probably wouldn't understand my inner fight with how i feel and what i know. i know that she's not good for me...but i love her with everything i have and i still want her to be happy. i just don't know how to help anymore. and now I'm the one that is drowning.

maybe I've always been a little underwater...But now I'm just not as used to it anymore. 

The water is starting to sting.

-to those of you that have gotten this far in my ramble...thank you for listening, how the hell did you read all this and if you relate...I'm sorry. <3