02/19/24

Tw: Suicide, Vent



There has been a lot on my mind lately. Mostly about how wrong I've done in the past, how wrong others have treated me, and just.. life, overall.

I love my friends a lot. So much. So so so so much. I often wonder if I'm just too much for them, or at times, perhaps not enough? Being with my friends and my partner makes me feel like this is what I'm here for. Like this is what was meant to happen, and nothing else, and that everything came together at just the perfect moment and against all odds of me being such a shit person, I found solace.

Today was the last day I saw my therapist. He was an intern. He was my friend. I'll miss him a lot. I wish I was a lot older than I am right now so I could be taken more seriously. I know I joke a lot, but I want to be heard too. And he heard me, a lot. Our last conversation was about underground bands, since I had mentioned mine.

Saturday (the 15th) was the one year anniversary of one of my four attempts. I'll say now that it wasn't my first. I remember it so clearly, how I felt that morning, wishing my brother wouldn't discover me. Wishing hell on the girl I used to love. If I had actually died that day, would she have been more or less upset about me not showing up to school? I don't remember if I told her. I hope I didn't. Everything last year is fog in my mind.

I haven't cried in a while. I think I'll do that now. I'm so, very tired.

Goodnight, Spacehey.