Self loathing

I long for a true love. Every day it's like my heart has a rotten core, where the sick serpents of my school have eaten. Now it's empty. I have so much love to give but no one to share with. And everyone ive ever loved never felt the same or wasnt even real. I cry all the time begging for anything, anyone. I've tried so much to fit in only to go back to my old ways. It's not fair the people around me can find a partner even if their love will not last. Even the ugliest, fattest people have the nicest, kindest lovers. I want a life long person. A true deep, soul connected love. But I fear in this world it may never find me. Relationships only exist online. And even if it wasn't life long, I want someone to show me affection like the people in my dreams. Im not sure what more I need to do. I've been open, kind, and I try to stay classy in public places, but it just seems like I'm invisible. Or maybe even ugly. Which I wouldnt be surprised if that was the case. I've always been almost vain but at the same time I've hated the way I looked. The way the fat on my body distributed. The way my hair thinned. How my once bright blue eyes have dulled. The lines that trace my mouth. The fat bags under my eye lids. The way my lips were never as big as my brothers, who really has no use for them. My eye lashes were always thick but short. And my eyebrows always look a mess unless thinned. Sometimes it even looks like I have a receding hairline though I may be imagining it. I hate how my gums go down making me look like I suffered from plaque build up. Or maybe my dangerous acne that covers my face. Whether it's black heads or a normal puss filled sit. I hate it. I hate how my hands are either chubby looking or veiny. How my skin is pink or red like a pig. Or even how my dimples dont match. I hate it all. I have so many imperfections yet it never fails to hear someone say I look pretty. Not so much anymore now that I'm older and it would seem creepy, or maybe I really have gotten uglier. Either way I look better than most, amd I try to keep myself together. Sometimes of course I slip up like anypony would. I just wish a true love could find me.