Crush #1: WOLVERINE—AKA THE BLUEPRINT OF MY TYPE

First of all, let’s get this straight: Wolverine is the OG dilf. I don’t care if he’s been alive since before my grandma was born, this man is FINE. The beard? The muscles? The angry-but-secretly-has-a-soft-heart vibes? PERFECTION.

I mean, he’s got adamantium claws, heals from literally anything, and yet he still somehow wakes up every day looking like he lost a fight with his own emotions. Relatable. He’s grumpy, violent, constantly exhausted, and just wants to be left alone—until some random person (me) decides to be obsessed with him.

Also, let’s talk about his jeans-and-tank-top combo. This man makes looking like he hasn’t showered in three days hot. I’m sorry, but if Wolverine told me to drop everything and run away with him, I would not hesitate.

Crush #2: TIM (MASKY) WRIGHT—AKA MY PERSONAL RED FLAG 🚩🚩🚩

Okay, so here’s the thing. If Wolverine is my "I can fix him" crush, then Tim from Marble Hornets is my "I can make him worse" crush.

First off, the man is a whole walking horror story. He’s got more trauma than a fanfiction protagonist, smokes like he's in a noir film, and looks like he hasn’t slept since 2005. AND FOR SOME REASON, MY BRAIN WENT "YES. HIM."

Let’s break it down:

• Tired? Yup.
• Has a dangerous alter ego? Check.
• Constantly sweaty and looks like he fights demons daily? Absolutely.
• Would probably throw me in the back of a van? …Sign me up.

AND LET’S TALK ABOUT THE MASKY AESTHETIC. The hoodie? The gloves? The fact that he LITERALLY KIDNAPS PEOPLE??? Sir, I’m free this weekend if you wanna ruin my life.

AND THE WAY HE JUST STARES AT YOU THROUGH THAT MASK LIKE HE KNOWS YOUR SOUL? Sir. Please. Give me nightmares personally.

Honestly, I don’t even care if this man is a walking pile of trauma and nicotine addiction—he could drag me into the woods, tie me to a chair, and monologue about his tragic backstory, and I’d just be sitting there like:"Omg he’s so hot when he’s emotionally damaged."

WOLVERINE VS. TIM — WHO WINS???

Let’s be real—this is like choosing between chocolate cake and pizza. BOTH are amazing, BOTH will ruin my life in the best way possible, and BOTH make my brain short-circuit every time I think about them.

Wolverine is the strong, rugged, protective, “I’ll kill for you” type. The kind of man who would carry you effortlessly, growl in your ear, and make you feel like the safest person in the world.

Tim is the chaotic, unstable, “I’ll emotionally destroy you” type. The kind of man who would tie you to a chair in an abandoned warehouse and still have the audacity to look hot while doing it.

So who wins? ME. BECAUSE I REFUSE TO CHOOSE.