My Isolation Cycle

I've been seeing a counselor for a few years now.

I used to think I just got depressed sometimes and just had to work through it but I think I've actually figured it out, and it's self inflicted. The Isolation Cycle:

- I have a consistent good relationship/friendship with someone

- I find myself constantly making dates, reaching out, initiating plans

- Eventually notice I'm doing more work than the other person

- Get scared I've done something wrong or that they no longer want to be my person

- So then I back off and try to give them space thinking they'll eventually reach out or make an effort

- They don't.

- Then I get bitter because why would you say you want to be my friend and then not..

So now, here I am. Drifting around my house. Isolating from the world because it keeps saying I'm safe and loved but then when I open up and get vulnerable it lets me down.

Upside, the great take away! I know it's just another episode. Usually what happens is that person says "Oh my gosh I had no idea, of course I love you!" etc. etc. and then I feel silly.

The truth is my endurance is just terrible. I find that these are my weakest moments with the Lord. I know I'm not reaching out for Him like I should. And then I wonder why I feel so worthless and alone. I'd like to say, "So I've been reciting these verses and praying for this everyday!" But that's not the me I can muster right now. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the pool, looking up at watery figures of all the people I've told I'm doing fine, and feeling ashamed that I'm not.