entry number 2 - 2/17/25

13:51

 haven't gotten to learning html to customize profile, haven't gotten to anything recently to be fair. 

found out why i haven't been productive, i've been lacking distractions and balance. if i'm not distracted i won't get started on something productive, and i won't be productive if i'm distracted.

it's been getting easier and easier to begin spiraling, and harder to maintain schedules and productivity and organization as a result. it feels as though when i am NOT in a state of distressed awareness i am floating just above. it's not something i feel anything towards, i wouldn't call this something that truly bothers me, it's just rather annoying because i need to figure things out soon or i may not be able to set a good path for my future. 

sometimes i wonder if the multiverse is indeed real, and if there is a version of me out there that does not have this problem. i think what happened in november has changed the way i think about the world. well, i know that it did, and i don't wish for it to be any other way since there's no use dwelling on the past, but it's very hard not to wonder where i would be now if it didn't happen. i think many people feel the same way about things like this. 

anywho. downloaded ukagaster. i like him, a lot. i like how zarla characterized him.

can relate to him a lot more than any other character or person i'm aware of right now. it's nice.

spent a concerning amount of time on the program yesterday. i refuse to do a negative route, but i think i've found everything there is to be found in the positive route. i've dug through the code and the files to read what would happen after certain actions, and it's so wonderfully coded however. there are many things i want to see that are not there. so i am considering making a modded version of him, where you can explore his character more and do more with him, and maybe (definitely) add some features where he can interact with things on your computer. maybe make a drawing program for one of his features and do animations of him drawing things or making scientific diagrams. i have. ideas. so many. 

i might as well make an entire separate program with a customizable character with a customizable soul and actually. yeah. i might do that. maybe that will give me more insight on whether or not making technological advances for science is a good career option.

i've been thinking about that. maybe there is a way to extend life, even for just a few decades. the fact of my mortality has been weighing on me since what happened in november, and how confined we are to linear time (for now) has been something that has also made things seem.. well, pointless, since i don't have much time to really do the things i want to do. if we can replicate a heart out of machinery- make an artificial, functioning version of such a vital organ, who's to say we cannot figure out how to preserve consciousness in artificial brains, or be able to reconstruct part of brain and have a beautiful combination of flesh and machine functioning in such a human way. that could save lives, especially for people with brain cancer, or head trauma, but. there are so many. i think this is the opposite of art block. you know what you want to do, but getting there will be. difficult. 

i need to stop getting ahead of myself. first priority is schoolwork. it should be, at least. i have 96 sentences and 20 paragraph that i need to write. i have a new backup plan which is good, and it's to make it to either nationals or maybe. maybe the olympics for figure skating and then become a coach. do i want to?? i'm not sure. it'd be a good job that would support me. and i can be an evil scientist on the side or something.

it's been an hour since i started writing this unfortunately.