regrets mean nothing

i recently failed a test (cough ap chemistry cough) and okay, it's not the end of the world, but i haven't failed a test since the start of my high school career. although yes, i'm over it now; hell the retake didn't go much better and i'm totally lost in the class right now, but it's made me realize some things:

1. i am a big dumbass because why would i torture myself with this class when i don't even plan on going into stem? i also paid for the ap exam when i don't even need the credit... god my quality of life would be so much better right now if i'd taken physics instead.

2. i would not survive in a real lab. count on me to do the dumbest things possible. ur welcome.

3. i am actually quite the hypocrite. 

now look, it's not anyone's fault but my own--other than the fact that my teacher answers my questions 99.999999999999999% of the time with "you need to set up a system of equations" or "i would suggest you think about it some more" which is so so super duper helpful hahahahaha--because who was the one that started 200+ pages of textbook reading only a week before they were due? ...me. who's the one that regrets not studying more? also me. who's the one that is also currently procrastinating studying ap chemistry because nothing clicks and i've never felt more stupid? i'm sure you can guess. anyhow, the point is that i landed myself in this situation and i need to be the one to get myself out of it. 

it's not looking too good though because i've been regretting a whole lot and doing a whole lot... of nothing. 

i mean, look at what i've been doing these past couple of days: "lock in" i say, as i sit on the couch doom scrolling and binging shows. never mind how i've been watching and reposting motivational content, only to forget about them the second i actually sit down and need to do work. yeah honey, if you don't start studying, ap chem knowledge is for sure going to just suddenly spawn inside your head. wouldn't that be nice. 

remember that regret means nothing when you don't act upon it. why are you remaining stagnant? do you want to have to face the same regrets over and over again because you never learn from your own mistakes? i don't think so, so just get up and start doing it. a bit of progress is better than none. quit regretting, quit wallowing in plans you never follow through on, and start making those changes that will make future you's life easier. do the hard things now so you don't end up on test day looking out the window hoping the birds will somehow help you (totally not a lived experience). 

you can't change the past, but you are in control of the present. it doesn't have to be tomorrow--it can be 5:01 p.m. on a sunday afternoon. it can be right now. do yourself a favor please.

feb. 16, 2025