15/02/2025 - can't finish what i started?

i realized i'm not equipped yet to tackle doing something creative every day like i intended, because i don't have the drive to take my art beyond doodles. this applies to drawing but also to music and really everything else. i have no problem grabbing my instruments of creation and coming up with something but there's something that keeps me from finishing anything i make. 

it's not only getting distracted, it's like i actively run away to refresh my ears or eyes. i get sick of my own art the same way one could get sick of an overplayed pop song. the best way i can put the feeling into words is that if art is an emergent property, that is, more than the sum of its parts, then the things i make lose that, and become just a collection of parts. when i listen to recordings that i made a year ago, it doesn't feel like listening to music, it's just a bunch of notes in succession. it's something else entirely that isn't enjoyable at all. 

knowing that i'll feel unmotivated to finish anything makes me not want to start at all. and anticipating the weirded-out feeling makes me think, why even make art if i won't even like the product? 

this page was started with this in mind, though, and what is happening to me with it is a symptom of the same problem. could my solution be to just start things anyways, even if i don't intend on finishing them? or should i set the clear goal for myself of finishing what i start? is there any way to make this easier for myself, or do i just have to rawdog this shit??????? 

to clarify, this has always been a problem. it is not brought on by pressure. the pressure of starting this project was and is an attempt at getting me to stop running away from art, which is what i'm effectively doing

OKAY UPDATE: i have no idea why i posted this. in writing it i realized i already know my answer