friendship mourning

this is much more personal than what i usually put on here, but i've been having a weird time recently and find that people on here usually have good insight on these sorts of things.

in the last month of my senior year (about 8 months ago), i made the decision to cut off my best friend of 12 years. it was probably the hardest thing i've ever had to do, and i won't get too deep into the reasons here besides the fact that i consider her treatment of me to have been abusive and that, especially in the last year or two of our friendship, it had begun to take a significant toll on both of us. at the time that i cut her off, immediately afterwards i felt nothing but relief. this was a huge weight off my shoulders and i could finally move on to focusing on the relationships that i valued and wanted to preserve.

recently, though, i'm thinking of her no matter what i'm doing. for the last 4 nights, i've had dreams where we made up and became friends again. i think this has something to do with how much i've been kind of indulging in nostalgia recently- she's quite literally the only person in the world who shares that part of my life with me. we did everything together from the ages of 5 to literally last year.

i bought a truck last year- it's supposed to have 2 extra seats you can put in the space behind the front, but they're way too small to fit anyone realistically, so i can only have 1 passenger at at time. when i ride in it alone, i think about how she's never going to get to ride in it with me. i think about how for my entire life, we met every milestone together, and how that ends now. in my time in college, every time i have a weird interaction or pass a exam i thought i would fail, my first impulse is to text her about it.

we almost share a birthday- she was born on january 18th, early in the morning, and i was born on january 17th, late into the night. i have shared every birthday with her since kindergarten. we would sleep over at her house and stay up till midnight to eat our cake so that it was celebrating both of us. last month, i had my first birthday without her, and spent most of it wondering if she was also thinking of me.

in my dreams, when we make up, we're kids again. last night i dreamt that we were pretending to be riverclan warriors in her grandmas pool, and that when we got out there were chips and sandwiches ready for us on the porch. the night before that i dreamt we had a sleepover at her mom's old house. we played wii games in her living room late into the night and both passed out on the couch together, and we woke up there were chocolate chip pancakes ready for us in the kitchen. every time i wake up from one of those dreams, for half an hour afterwards, i think about reaching out. apologizing for breaking things off, taking ownership for things i know weren't my doing.

but i know none of that will come back if i reach out. i know that fond memories alone will never solve the issues we had. at the same time, though, what i am i supposed to do? i don't know how to move on from something like that. especially knowing that she feels the same way, and would be my friend again in a heartbeat if i said the word. it's so hard to think of our time together and remember the bad parts that caused this in the first place when that was 2 or 3 out of 12 years.

i dont want to do something i'll regret. but i don't know how to properly grieve someone who i could have back with a text.

(anyone who has been through something similar or just has advice for me otherwise, feel free to comment. i know this isn't necessarily a unique experience, i just don't know how to find closure here.)