Hurt people, hurt people.

Hurt people, hurt people. Right?

For anyone who might not know, this is about my ex-girlfriend, Bella, who cheated on, suicide-baited, and dumped me last year. When I finally confronted her about it, I received no acknowledgement from her, not even so much as a half-assed apology — nothing. And I don't want one. Not anymore. Not like back in December last year, I'm fine! Really, I'm doing a lot better now than I was! ^^'

Our whole entire relationship was one big lie, from like...two months in. At some point in 2022, she left for three months straight and when she came back she told me she had been in the psych ward the whole summer. I don't have any evidence of that, and I don't trust her to have been telling me the truth about her whereabouts because of all the things she did later on and for the fact we were never in contact with each other during the summer months, at all, throughout the three summers we knew each other for. I'm under the firm belief that the entire relationship was fake, and that she was just manipulating me the entire three years we knew each other for. We met on January 13th, 2022, and we last spoke on January 13th, 2025.

Anyway, she told me something I can't solidly prove, but I do actually still believe it, even now. She said she was...taken advantage of, when she was seven years old. Her innocence was taken advantage of in a secret relationship with someone who knew more and better than her, and used her for their own personal benefit. I believe that what she said about that much was true, because in a different context, she did the same thing to me because she hadn't healed from her own trauma.

Admittedly — I feel as though I have to admit — I feel guilty, for drawing that parallel. But just how big is the difference between a liar or manipulator, and a groomer?

- She was manipulated as a seven year old child because she didn't know any better.
- I was manipulated by her when we were 14-16 because I'm autistic, so I didn't know any better. Because I was toxically homeschooled and not allowed out of the house to know what the real world was like, so I didn't know any better. And because I was so damn socially anxious and inexperienced due to the previous two reasons that I didn't know any better for that either!

- She was their secret because they were a groomer.
- We were each others' secret, originally because we were in a "gay" relationship, as both of us are AFAB regardless of our individual gender identities, and my parents were transphobic and couldn't know anything about it and she claimed hers were nuts too — but I don't know if I can even believe that much now. And I eventually became her secret for her to cheat on me I fucking guess. Unless people did know she was in a relationship with me and they just didn't care anyway.

- The groomer's benefit was, well...
- And in mine and Bella's situation, her benefit was fulfilling her desire for attention.

So, my final question is: what's the difference he(...re)— am I, or am I not, fucked up for drawing this parallel? Are y'all seeing this shit too or am I just a freak for drawing that? So, what's the difference between a liar and a groomer? The age gap? We were both kids, Bella and I.

This whole realization pissed me off when I first realized it a few months ago because she didn't realize why she had so many problems until just before she broke shit off with me, which was only after she'd already been suffering from all of her various issues for more than half of her life. And when she finally did realize that for herself, it was both too late to undo all the damage she'd already done to me, and likely other people too. She said in her own words once that she "ruined people's lives," but I didn't get details or proof of that statement.

She was raped and groomed, and then she went on to take advantage of me in a strikingly similar way, except I don't even feel justified in any of my grief because she never took my clothes off. And she hasn't suffered a damn bit for what she did to me. And she did all that just because she wouldn't just fucking look at herself! And she'll grow up someday. Without me, this time. Or she won't grow up at all, and she'll keep smoking, drinking, cutting and starving herself until she finally fits that silhouette of the perfect anime girl she tries so damn hard to look like nowadays. That's up to her. She'll live out the future she thinks she deserves either way. Whether or not she's alive is none of my business anymore.

I just hope I never end up like that bitch; cold and manipulative. Assuming I'm not like that already and just don't notice. I lie to my parents every day. "I'm not trans." I hope I do actually commit suicide before I hurt people like that bitch actively does. Just — quietly, so maybe not too many people will notice other than the IRS and my employer, if that's what it comes down to.

I just want to completely change myself so I can wake up one day and say she never knew me as I am that morning. Maybe I can already say that. I hope I can already say that! I may just say that to myself tomorrow for morale...and yet I don't know what to think of everything, even still.

Well! Here goes nothin'. I'm making this public and hoping I don't get either suspended for bringing up triggering, real-world issues or for swearing too much, and hoping I don't get dog-piled and, ultimately, harassed once again! "Freedom of speech, not freedom of consequences," as we say here in America.

Hurt people, hurt people. Fix your damned selves first, before your problems become somebody else's to deal with. I wish I never even met her. Happy fucking Valentine's day! I'm starting fresh. I've been reborn. It's now or never.