Top 5 Valentines Films for Spooky Bitches

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY 

I’ve spent most of my week trying to watch as many Valentines Horror films as possible that I haven’t seen, utilising lists form my favourite horror sites (Bloody Disgusting & Fangoria) as well as recommendations from my favourite horror creator Blue Ghosts on Tik Tok. I’ll talk about these in my Diary post at the end of the week but before I head out tonight for my date with my honey, I thought I’d make my own list of top 5 freaky movies  to watch before you get freaky. 

I have limited myself to films that are horror and not just weird non horror movies, although if you would like a recommendation for a hardcore freaky deaky film I will direct you to my beloved Crash (1996). No one does it like Cronenberg and no one writes weird shit like Ballard. If you love psychosexual themes, soft pornography, subversive fethishes and car crashes (?) that is the film for you. 

The Girlies that get it will get it. 

Anyway, here’s my real list xoxo

Lisa Frankenstein (2024) 

Written by Diablo Cody of Jennifer’s Body fame, this is a lose retelling of Frankenstein. In fact, it is more inspired by than a retelling. 

We follow Lisa Swallows as she reassembles the creature who is the reanimated body from her favourite grave. This film is so funny and heartwarming and just a complete romp. It was ranked my second favourite new release of last year and I must have watched it 3 times the week it came out. Once alone, once with my partner and once with my flatmates. 

The 80s setting makes the film so much fun to look at, the soundtrack is amazing, and the costuming is perfect. Kathryn Newton does a great job as the lead and is serving Chappell Roan the whole film while Cole Sprouse is so much less irritating when he can’t speak. 

The Film follows a classic 80s rom com formula, will the girl fall in love with the dutiful best friend corpse? Or will she overlook him and miss the love she deserves? 

Big ups as well for celebrating female sexuality, we need more Hitachi wand truther scenes in mainstream media. 

(Also, if this film doesn’t make you fall in love with the song Strange by Galaxie 500 you are wrong) 

Bride of Chucky (1998) 

Aside from this being the best chucky film and a true example of a couple that match each other’s freak, if you are a bisexual lady like me who is dating a golden retriever, you get the little treat of looking at Jennifer Tilly for a good 30 mins. (You’re welcome) 

Bride of Chucky follows Tiffany as she resurrects her boyfriend Charles (Chucky) a serial killer whose spirit was transferred to a toy doll. They embark on a quest to replace their bodies after they both become dolls and have some freaky doll sex. 

The costumes in this film are perfect, Tilly looks phenomenal, and Tiffany is THE perfect gal for Chucky. 

This film marks a turn to a campier tone for the franchise and a double bill of this and seed of Chucky would not be a bad plan for Valentine’s day. 

Companion (2025) 

This is a NEW entry for this list and is still out in theatres, so I’d recommend going while you can. 

I’d like to say much more than I will about this film because I think going in blind is a good way to go, but I will be producing content about this as it relates to a subject I specialised in at university. 

This film follows Iris who is going on a trip with her boyfriend to a billionaire’ s cabin with his friends. When billionaire Sergey dies, secrets begin to unravel. 

Without giving away any oof the twists this film was the funniest horror film I have seen in a long time and has a little something for everyone on Valentine’s day, revenge, love, laughs, and kooky kills. 

The Queerness of the film is what made this really stand out to me in terms of how it relates to my research in the area, and I think that although we see a lot of these relationships sour, it still manages to tell a romantic story. 

Jack Quaid does an amazing job, and I am hoping to see him in more horror, Sophie Thatcher is easily Scream Queen material and seeing Harvey Guillén outside of WWDITS has solidified to me what a phenomenal comedic actor this man is, Bruce Campbell level of potential. 

(If you watch it, I need more people to talk about the Goo Goo dolls of it all because it was possibly the most insane part of the film) 

The Love Witch (2016) 

This film is such a feast for the eyes and really does its research with the way it handles the occult. 

The Love Witch follows widowed witch Elaine as she seduces and casts spells on men to make them fall in love with her. 

This film is so high femme and does such a good job of evoking the 1960s early 70’s style films that it is easily visually the most appropriate valentine’s film. 

I think this is a definite must watch for anyone needing to feel empowered or vindicated this Valentine’s Day. Elaine is sexy and powerful and treats men as disposable even though she is obsessed with love. And she is actually so real for that. 

Crack this on and order a baby blue eyeshadow. I promise it will change your life. 

Dracula (1992) 

I have to be so for real right now guys, I am NOT normal about this film or Gary Oldman and I may in fact be forcing my partner to let me curl their beautiful Shoulder length hair for our date tonight. 

This is THE cinematic retelling of Dracula. It is sexy, it is bloody, it is weird. With peace and love to Lugosi and Lee , Gary understood that Drac needed to be sexy and that vampires ARE sexy. Coppola said he wanted the film to feel like an “erotic dream” and if that’s not the vibe you’re trying to curate tonight then I don’t wanna know you. 

Winona Ryder and Gary Oldman really put their whole pussy’s into every kiss, every intimate scene and it gives me such BI panic. 

If your significant other wouldn’t cross oceans of time to find you then they aren’t the one babe I am so sorry. 

I hope everyone has a great day and if you don’t have a valentine then Mokey says she’ll be happy to be yours in exchange for some crisps x