Two hours from now will be valentine´s day, and  I have never felt more alone.

This is supposed to be the prime of my life; having moved to a new town for university has given me so many new opportunities and experiences, yet right here, in this moment, I cannot appreciate any of it.

I cannot enjoy, I cannot eat, I cannot smoke and drink, for everything I touch turns out to be rotten. And this is not even my own, orginal thought, it´s my friend who brought it up to me a few days ago. I have everything I could wish for: a loving family, a hating dad, friends, academic success, I don´t have to worry about money. Yet, here I am, complaining about the one thing I cannot have. Like a spoiled child.

The thing I can never achieve, and that falls apart upon my touch, is love. It has always been. I feel I am unloveable in every aspect of my self. It will never matter how much I achieve, how well I do in my exams, how much I help clean the kitchen without anyone asking for it. It does not matter, because there is something within me that drives people away from me. Something so fundamentally disgusting and abnormal, that every sane person looks away when they see me. And the worst part is, that I will never find out what it is. Because noone ever tells me, and I don´t understand why.

What is it about me that makes people turn away? Apart from my undesireable appearance (which I say in a non-incel way. I don´t blame people for finding me unattractive, I don´t even find myself very good looking. How can I expect anyone else to do so?), I am certain that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that maybe cannot even be changed. Something that makes me inferior to everyone else. 

Because how come the only people that tell me I am special and beautiful are my therapist, my three friends and creepy men over the age of 50? How come I have never felt the love I put out reciprocated? How come I am in a big, new city, and the only thing touching my lips are cigarettes and coffee?

How come that everytime I am deeply infatuated with someone, I find the courage to talk to them, and all I get in response is a belitteling smile, that tells me yet again Oh girl, what are you doing? Don´t you see, you are not made to be a lover. You are meant to destroy, to consume without being consumed. You are not ready for love or for touch. Little girl, run away, back to the hole in the ground you came from. You are... disgusting.

And I really feel like it. Disgusting. Why does every person I touch vanish. I would never. and if they were a monster, I would stay just for the sake of making them feel safe and loved, just like I want to feel. I would stay for the sake of having someone by my side, to not die alone.

But maybe I am just unloveable. A weird product of a weird family that will eventually die of disgustingness, because that is what I feel right now.

Or maybe my period is just eight days late.