12/02/2025 (not technicllly, but shhhh)

either the universe is trying to teach me a lesson in patience (that i understood well,  thanks) or i am the butt of a cruel joke by god. inclined to go with the latter.

today when making this page i decided i wanted to post something creative every day, whether that be photography, a drawing, an analysis of something, a song... and then i spent ALL DAY stuck in a weird kind of frustration because i realized how little i've been taking part in creation just because the motivation and ideas didn't come to me. 

well silly, they don't come if you're just sitting doing nothing! pick your sketchbook or your guitar up! and so i did, and so i got EVEN MORE frustrated because of my complete lack of motivation.

frustration comes as physical pain to me (thank you to one of my teachers for making me realize some of you are lucky enough not to have this experience), so i ended up exhausted. all i could effectively and comfortably do was lay down in my bed and listen to music and cry.

now, after my dear girlfriend eli picked me up and we sat together for a while doing things entirely unrelated to art, i absentmindedly open this website to doodle on while listening to music, and wow! there it is 

when in doubt, draw a bird lady.

i actually like this website a lot to use when i'm blocked like that, because the way i use it is i black out the background and then draw with the lasso tool. being unable to actually see what i'm drawing until i release, and having to cooperate with the lines and shapes that i would gladly and obsessively erase on any other medium, actually helps me relax. if it's GOING to look different from how i want it to, no matter how much i try, why not just give in to it? 

my next step should be keeping that same mindset when i draw with a pencil. maybe that's what i'll try to do tomorrow :]