derealization

im stuck in a cycle

i wake up, i go to school, i wait for the bus, i come home, i eat if im hungry, i sit in my room on my laptop finishing work. i help someone. i watch reels till i fall asleep, repeat.

you'd think that each part of this timeline must have some sort of difference, and there is. but its all the same to me. 

i've tried to make a difference in the cycle. talk more, talk less, leave early, leave late, different routes, different options, different decisions. but at the end of the day i feel the same. like, this cant be all there is to life?

i get that im young. i still have a lot to experience. but the concept of time is such a complex thing to me. some days are staggeringly slow, i can feel each second that passes and dread it, others speed by. "time flies when ur having fun" well, im not, yet it still flies. people say that january was the longest month ever, but i didn't even process it. ive lost my sense of time.

im not diseased or something don't get me wrong, i just don't understand how someone goes on with a day in their life and doesn't feel off. i feel like im detached from stuff, i guess. whenever a friend messages me or talks to me i feel like they're just voices in my head. texting people feels like im just replying, and when someone with a lot of energy (i love them) comes over and texts me i feel like i don't do them justice when i try and match that energy. i feel like im acting for someone else and being someone else because I don't even know who I be. im in some dream. or some tv show where im acting like something. the truman show comes to mind.

one thing which ive noticed started happening a lot is how im understanding more about how people act. why they act. their thoughts. their feelings. it feels fake. not in a bad way, but its like everyone got programmed to act the way they do. its off. all of it is. the laptop im typing this on feels fake. the gestures people do for me feels fake. 

and if all of that is fake, are my own feelings right now fake? all the good things ive done, all the bad things ive done, were they all fake? am i just acting for some sort of entertainment for someone? i don't even feel real anymore. i feel distant.

there's this tiny sound in my ears. people say its the sound of silence, but its piercing, and it never happens when its silent. my brain feels scattered, like there's a jumble of mess in my brain and im fishing out pieces and trying to put it back together. i feel like im preparing for something. all my interests feel faked. all my friendships feel faked. i don't want to be because i geneuinly love them, but what if im doing this for some sort of purpose in the future where this helps me?

i don't know if anyone knows this movie, but its called a silent voice. the mc, a young blackhaired guy, sees people with x's on their faces. its a good movie. and there's a lot more than what i just described. but when i watched that movie, i thought of two things — how the people who made the movie must have felt making it, the process of it all, and if i too could start seeing people. and i mean, SEEING, people.

i feel like i just faked this entire rant too for some sort of reason. its okay tho fr! 

felt cute might delete later :3