I'm dying

I don't even know how to start this, I just find myself so exhausted. The voice in my head screams a lot of things at me that I don't want to remember, things that make me feel bad and overwhelm me and I can't shut it up no matter how hard I try, it's like an advertisement that I can't skip over and it keeps popping up in my mind.

I am more than aware that I am a very sensitive and insecure person, but I hate being one, I really hate it. When I was little I kept everything to myself because there was never anyone at home to see me cry, and now there are people at home, but I hide in my room to make as little noise as possible to avoid drawing attention to myself.

The memory of when we were with my partner watching tiktoks and a video came out that he saved, saying of "When you get tired of explaining things to your insecure partner" haunts my mind almost every time I start to get mentally overwhelmed.

He already apologized for that video, but that memory stuck in my heart, and now every time a situation with him causes me discomfort that memory comes and worsens how I feel.

I am afraid of being broken up, my partner doesn't want to marry me soon and I want to get married, he doesn't want children and I do. I am afraid that our difference of opinion will ruin our relationship, I don't want to break up, but it makes me so sad that I can't project myself in the future with him because he doesn't do it with me. He keeps saying he plans to kill himself before he gets old. Will I be left alone?

I am scared to death. I can't stand myself, I blame it on the birth control implant I put in because I could notice the changes in my personality from the day I put it in but it even sounds like an excuse.

Am I really worth it? Am I enough for anyone? I have had very strange dreams that even embarrass me because I have no control over them, and they are dreams that reflect what I am repressing. I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. Everyone is moving forward and I am left behind. I only have my partner, but he hurt my heart many times because of situations that happened over the years that now generate repulsive jealousy in me for fear that those situations will happen again and I will not be able to realize it and they will make me a fool again.

I think I want to die, or dream forever. I love to dream, sleeping always comforts me but now I can't even do that. My head hurts from crying so much and it seems like I'm always the problem.

I am very afraid. I have nowhere to vent, nowhere gives me security not even on the internet because my partner knows all my social networks even here and I don't want to hide any social network or similar from him, but thanks to that I don't feel able to express myself to anyone.

I have no friends. I have no one. 

How many times have I told my cat about my problems to the point of ending up crying, and feeling ashamed of how my pet looks at me without understanding the weight of my words?