Being groomed is weird (VENT obviously) ((I have no idea which category works for vents???))

Like why am I thinking about going for the love of someone who hurt me so bad?? Like sometimes I want to go back to my groomer, just to say hi and get their attention back, I don't actually want to, but it's always a lingering thought. Like what IF I did go back? What if I DID make contact? Like what if I did FIND myself attached to them??? What if after ALL this time, I still love them? I don't think it's fair that I have to deal with these thoughts and ideas when I so OBVIOUSLY hate their guts, I only just recently came to the realisation I got groomed and it hasn't been any better since I came to that realisation, the amount of people I'm certain know nothing about that creature's actions is uncountable, they themselves even don't even realise it. Sometimes I wish I could talk to them just so I can curse them out, absolutely express my loathing and hatred for that THING'S existence being the same time as mine, but I never will, just because it will only cause more trouble and cause more pain for me, even if I hate them I still can't help but remember good memories, I'm so mad over it since I almost lost my entire life and future numerous of times just to stay with them, hoping that they wouldn't leave me once they got bored of me. They never made me send anything explicit of myself, neither did they send anything to me (they did, but not of themself), so I never thought it was grooming until like a few months ago. I'm so mad at them, but so sad that they're gone, I feel confused and nauseous with these contrasting ideas... I would say I wish I was a child, but when I was a child, that thing was my only comfort, I don't want to go back to relying on them. I think I just wish they were more wise, like yeah, maybe they themselves were groomed, but why rely on me for everything and then fuel my porn addiction like it's nothing?