useless life rant

I just spent 30 minutes writing an entry just to refresh the page I'm actually gonna end it tn. So to start again, um.. I had so much written jesus. No one probably reads these but the pen to my physical journal is too heavy and my head is too full of thoughts. I'll never be okay with being forced to go so far away, from everything and everyone I know. Who would be? How is it fair that my future is not in my hands. I love my room, this house. I love the concept of small towns, big, loud towns aren't for me ('And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me..'). I have to leave my loved ones behind, those dear to me that helped me survive everything terrible I've been through. I don't want us to grow appart. I'm too used to our almost everyday after school hangouts that include getting cheap pastry from the nearest store, occasionaly (when someone has money) getting ice cream that almost melts every time because we are too busy talking about everything. They'd possibly get over it, but that's not the kind of person I am. I'll mourn every one of them, none less then if they passed. I'm willing to give up my dream of going to college. We we're suppoused to go there together. How will we able to when there's a 3 hour distance between us? I'll accept it, I think I wouldnt mind giving everything I have to stay here. If it meant living in poverty I wouldn't give a shit because who am I without those around me? A lost soul maybe. I need guidance, how will I survive, drowning in exams without someone to help me out of the piles of papers? I don't want a future where I'm alone in a big town after being forced to leave everything. I'm sure there are great people there, but none of them are my friends. I don't want new people coming into my life. The ones that already are in know so so so much about me, both the ugly and the pretty. They're a big piece of me, if it'll be taken away from me I'll genuinely fall apart. But what is there to do? I could dissapear from the face of this earth , oh and how I'd love to, but I'll leave said ones behind. There's a big difference between living far, far away and not living at all. I could run away. Could I? Would it actually make a difference? I wouldn't survive alone. And I'd probably get caught. I'm so childish, I dont get how I'd be actually be able to follow my brothers footsteps. I don't know what to do. I'm in a trap without a chance to get out. I wish they'd actually listen. Why can't they, at least for once? I also, like a dog am likely to pass from being separated from my beloved ones. I hate the unknown, I hate not having control over such important stuff. I am afraid of being alone, I already feel so isolated from everyone and every day I'm fading more away because none of my friends care about how I'm doing, no one asked if I'm better or if i want to hang out. Yet they're so important to me. I am aware they still care about me, I'm just different in stuff like these. Jesus could i act less like the glass swan from the music box my grandma gave me? Why do I feel like the world is ending. So thankfull euthanasia is not over the counter because I would not hold back atm LMAO XD someone save me from this hell of a family. (Btw the song i referenced at the start is 'Golden' by Fall Out Boy.. Not to be dramatic but it's a masterpiece and you wont regret giving it a listen) That's it for todays useless info dump. There's so much more I'd love to say but I don't think I can even phrase that.