Sitting On Your Shoulders

I remember sitting on your shoulders. How I could feel every step when you walked. The way that when you talked you voice buzzed through me. The feeling of putting my hands beneath your chin and feeling your stubble. The way it made my armpits sting when you picked me up by them. How disappointed I was when you finally put me down.

I think i’ve been chasing that feeling since. The security and love I felt being carried on your shoulders. How everything was so exciting up high, but your hands were grounding me.

I feared getting big. I didn’t want you to not be able to pick me up again. I wanted that sting in my armpits again. I still want to be picked up. To be held like I’m someone precious. 

I remember breaking my ankle. I remember when you said no. I’m four times heavier, but I needed you. I was just too big.

Those days when I could put my hands up and you would carry me. The feeling of being on top of the world. I loved that. I miss that. I want to be small again. I want to curl up in our bed like we used to. I want to turn on the TV, feel the static of the screen and jump and play.

I’m just too big.