religion and gabe

i remember back when i used to be christian; both times. i was way little then way big. the first time i was raised into it (really wish i wasn't) and the second time was when i was in heavy religious/spiritual psychosis. the second time warped my sense of self irreversibly and i still can't stand the thought or sight of an angel from christianity or my back starts hurting from when i had "phantom wings". i don't want to seem phobic of christians, especially not after that new bullshit thing by the president was just made to prevent that. i don't hate christians, i hate what christianity did to me. it destroyed my vision of the world twice & made me paranoid to be good or id go to hell. i was literally 8 crying because i was scared id go to hell for the smallest things. i know for some, religion doesn't instill anxiety. but i was an anxious kid due to my home life and religion did not provide comfort at all. 

when i was in spiritual psychosis, i literally believed i was an angel who fell from heaven on accident and me being on earth was a test of my will from "god" to see if i could come back up. i know when i say it, it sounds like nothing but think about it if that was you. imagine your entire sense of self was stripped away and you didn't even know what your favorite color or animal was anymore. and all you know is that you used to be religious so you went back to that but took way too much off the top. i literally and truly believed in my heart of hearts i was an angel and thinking back to that absolutely horrifies me. i can't listen to frank sinatra anymore, i can't think about angels, i can't hear church bells or worship music without my stomach dropping. its awful.

ive done a total 180° on my religious beliefs now, not out of "defiance" for my past self but to do what i think is right for my current self. all i feel for my past self is pity because i was so damn out of it. i was saying greetings. I WAS SAYING GREETINGS TO PEOPLE. thats a sign of how bad it was, truly. i identity as a satanist now because i no longer believe in a god or "rules" to prevent me from burning in some place i can't even touch. i don't know why i resorted to christian beliefs anyway because im very science oriented. if i can't touch it or see a REAL photo of it, why believe in it? i don't know. thats just me. 

it kind of breaks my heart nobody around me truly supports what ive decided to do with my religion but im trying my best to just deal with it. ive chosen a religion that isn't really as community-y as christianity and i guess im just having issues grappling with it. since nobodys really supportive of me i keep walking back and forth on my decision. i don't really know what to do anymore and it's majorly stressing me out. i think everything will be okay. i just think once people realized the pentagrams and satanic iconography wasn't just for aesthetics anymore that's when discomfort started. and it really just breaks my heart. i don't hate christianity. i don't hate any religion. i think religion kinda wrecked the world and christianity definitely did its fair share of damage but i don't hate it. i just want to be accepted yknow? its just hard. i just wish everything would be alright.

thank u for reading

gabe