Was i in love, or just afraid to be lonely?

hey, so this might sound like venting, but i actually just need some opinions.
i'm 17 and have absolutely no social life whatsoever, i don't have friends, nor am i that casual with my family. i barely go out of my house, basically isolated and study from a non-attending school, implying that i'm in my house 24/7.

i work on a lot of activities while staying in, my health, hobbies and academics are going pretty decent as well. the only way i get social contact is online. 
so i recently met this guy who just seemed like the best person ever, met him on roblox and randomly just started chatting.
the more we talked, the more i realized that, he really meets my intellectual and emotional needs.
(ps. i have told him almost everything abt my past and previous mental health issues)
he had a vibrant and confident personality, something that i didn't have.
we got together really well and then later shared our instagram.
talked there for a while and he immediately confessed to me.

he told me how i was everything he wrote on a sheet of paper as his expectations from a woman and that he would never find anyone quite like me through such a coincidence. 
he even believed that it was destiny and that we are meant to be together asap.
now, since, i have never had a relationship ever before, i was kinda hesitant abt saying yes to him.
so i just told him straightforward, that i wasn't ready for a relationship yet.
he sort of tried to manipulate me into thinking how it would be great if we were together, but he was really understanding abt it.
we talked for weeks and for some time he even agreed to just stay friends with me, which was great, but he soon told me that if it's not a relationship, then it would hurt him to just stay friends with someone who he loved so much. 
i understood and we agreed to never talk to each other again.

a few weeks go by and my mental health went on a spectrum due to personal reasons.
i was self deteriorating and basically just not doing well.
then out of the blue and complete impulsiveness, i decide to text him.

but idk why, i told him that i'm prepared for a relationship with him.
like you'd expect, he agreed to it immediately and we made it official.
i told a few friends, he told his friends and things started escalating.

now, i might have agreed for the relationship, but i was still really paranoid about it and was not really able to commit to the fullest or even trust him entirely.
i have this belief that nothing is permanent and everyone that's with me, will eventually leave me.
this is mostly due to my bad past experiences.
i actually wanted to step out of this paranoia and improve myself, it was important and that's why i even took this decision of agreeing to a relationship.
infact, he was the only person in all these years, who actually made me take a step towards overcoming my fear of commitment. 

a few days go by, everything is running smooth and then out of the blue he says something that made me really uncomfortable. he wanted to talk it out but my mind completely shut down and like i always do, i made myself clear about how i felt and immediately blocked him.
he has a second account, he texted me there, that he wanted to have one last conversation.
i replied and then he told me that he was lying.

i was furious, but i had already done what i had to do, we argued about how it felt wrong from my perspective and how he thought what he did was right.

he said that he wanted me to trust him and deal with his problem, but i gave up and left, and that i was only using him as an emotional support for trauma dumping.

i talked to him about my thought process, and explained him the reason why i left and why what he did felt so wrong, he literally accused me of lying, because he couldn't accept it. he even went as far as to mock me regarding my traumas and calling me slurs.
i said that he never trusted me, that's why he had to lie in the first place and that he couldn't accept the truth because he was so full of himself.

so, things came to an end and now it has been almost 2 and a half months since this happened.

it would be a lie if i said that i didn't think abt him after that. i overthinked about this a lot after it was over, but i always got the same answer, "we just weren't meant to be."
i emphasized on his remark of me "using him for emotional support" and i do think that the only reason i went back to him was because i wasn't doing well, mentally.
but at the same time, i wouldn't have done it if he wasn't special to me.
what even was all this, really?
i think sometimes.

a few weeks ago he texted me that he would wish me on my birthday and asked me why i didn't wish him (his birthday is in january). i just replied "i simply didn't want to". he asked me why, and i just left him on seen.

so here's the question, i sometimes really do think about taking a step back, text him and try to get things as they were.
but, is it really worth it?
do i love him enough to go back after all this?
did i ever love him, at all?
did i really just use him for some emotional support?
was i in love, or just afraid to be lonely?


(let me know what you think about this situation, i'll be checking comments weekly)