Hello hello

First of all I have survived my step dad didn't open his mouth 

Today I think I going to talk about love do you guys love someone? I never felt romantic love and yes I did like characters and my idols on the internet but it's not love it's not that sparkle that deep thing that makes your heart race your eyes wide and makes everything go slow motion

My friends loved before but sometimes I think I understand more about love because they seem to accept toxic things like going truth your phone unfollowing people and jealously as a ok thing to do? Like it's ok to be jealous but isn't it better to talk with your partner instead! I think the reason why my friends say I don't understand about love is because I don't go and say what they want to hear

Well back to me the closest thing I had to love was my marriage with Dante my friend we aren't really married ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ I just turned to him one day at school and said wanna get married? And he said yes we marked a day and we got married in front of everyone at lunch break 

We been married for a while and we even had a marriage anniversary but then last year Dante started a real relationship that made me unhappy I didn't feel jealous I don't love Dante that way I just felt alone because he was the only thing I had close to love well their relationship ended we went back to normal and then a few weeks ago Dante is now seriously dating a new guy and I felt alone again... And I started overthinking about how I never found anyone and I just end up accepting I going to die unloved because I don't really think I deserve love or that I can love someone back

What I mean is humans are very volatile I know this since I was 5 humans emotions are confusing and always changing a good day can become a horrible night in seconds because of one mistake and that makes me dislike the idea of loving someone because what if I hurt someone because I can't understand their feelings correctly or if I don't love them enough? If I don't show enough interest on what they love 

And the type of love I want is the type of love in Mitski songs 

"And I don't want your pity