i have done nothing but decline!

so, my cigarette/cigar problem has worsened, im doing both of them a lot more than i was before, and im spending a lot of money on it now too. im still vaping too on top of all of that, and ive been trying out "grass" with my friends at the kava bar. not really sure whats going on with all of that but its starting to get serious (probably)!

im getting less control of my habits and im wanting to do them more and more and im starting to care less about doing it even though everyone else tells me its not good. im having a really hard time listening to them for some reason. im kinda not really caring about how bad everything is anymore and im just continuing to decline. 

my family still has zero idea somehow and i think it should stay that way. the only issue with that is if i decide to take drastic measures on myself (unlikely, but becoming more likely every day) then they wont know what went wrong and theyll probably blame themselves. i just dont want to upset them but im so far beyond that at this point that im not really sure what to do about it.

im starting to have really really scary dreams and thoughts, not even like fears of stuff, but more so things i want to do or could do or simply think about doing or carrying out. i had an extensive dream while i was asleep for about 10 hours and i woke up with some strange intent on making sure that the events in the dream happened. maybe im just losing it but i currently have way to many tools at my disposal to use in such ways and i dont really know if i care enough to do any of it. oh well

dad is finally working on mixing my album, so thats good i guess. i have no clue when that will release but im still (slowly) working on future material that im pretty happy with atm. 

now that the sonic movie is here and gone i have nothing to really hype myself up for. no big movies, no major music releases (that havent already happened), no cool concerts, no major video game releases...its just work work work for a while until something interesting happens i guess. not sure ill stick around that long for that but we'll see

"lets be honest, the only thing that stays the same is the way i never change"