3

02/07/2025

4:01PM

Hey.

If you read the last post, I went to a rock concert. I had a lot of anxiety and the noises were super loud but I overall had a lot of fun. Would highly recommend their music, the band was Palaye Royale, if you're into that stuff. The only real negative thing that happened was some guy shoving my friend because he was trying to get into the running circle in the mosh pit. He screamed at us to move, but like, we were surrounded by people so.. Move where mother fucker?

Once I got home I was dead on my feet. Seriously, how do people stand for so long at normal concerts? My feet were Killing me in my combat boots. Never again. I fell right into bed and was out like a light.

In other news, I just came back from University. Learned more about 19th century England and Henry the 8th (yuck, I hate that man.), but classes were relatively good and uninteresting. I can't complain about a boring day.

I think what I really wanna talk about is how melancholy I feel. I'm sure we all get like that, right? The sadness that has no root cause but envelops you into a cold hug that feels more comforting than it should? It's not even sadness, is it? Sadness is when you know you're sad and WHY. Melancholy is my favourite feeling for that exact reason. I can feel like I'm drowning in snow during blue hour, surrounded by frightening abandoned buildings and black trees and yet I want nothing more than to stay in that exact spot forever. Melancholy is never JUST sadness. Its the beauty in it too. Have you thought about that? I think about it a lot. It gives me cold Russian vibes. You know those photos, right? The ones where everything is Blue, black and white, with tall grey buildings that make no sense, and your fingertips are red from the cold but you have no actual desire to move? That feeling. That location. That area. That overgrowing pit in your stomach. I love it.

I think part of the problem is that I expect so much of myself. So much that realistically, with the disorders I have, isn't something I can accomplish. With Depression and Anxiety and an eating disorder (I feel like Tumblrs dream (pls laugh LMAOOO)) and ADHD, along with possible autism, everything just feels 10x harder. The depression and anxiety definitely bring understanding as to WHY I feel melancholy all the time (Or most of the time anyway), but I think if I just wasn't so hard on myself, then maybe I wouldn't feel so cold?

But how can I not be hard on myself? I have goals I'm reaching towards, goals that have a time limit, goals I need to get in order to be enough, though I know that once I reach them I won't be enough even then. But that's the cycle human kind has created, and I cannot seem to escape it, especially when it brings me such good success time and time again.

I think what sucks is that I don't think anybody will be able to understand the feeling I described above. Which I know isn't true - There's 7 billion of us on this plant. Almost, if not 8 billion now - The chances of nobody understanding the feeling I'm describing to you is so extremely slim that I don't think it's possible. But in the world my melancholy has set up for me, where I'm stuck in the snow and the trees are black and the sky is a deep, scary blue, and the buildings around me, and I feel so extremely at peace, how can I expect anyone else to understand when in that space, I am the only person around?

But I can't do anything to fix that, if you know what I mean, because life is so insanely fragile. So I'm just stuck here. For now. Until someone hands me a shovel I guess.

Time for homework.
Alex