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25.2
Hello world.
My small absence has been cast upon me through a very demanding, labor-intensive job with even longer hours. Luckily the staff and other employees are all wonderful people. Very kind and friendly across the board. An easy commute, to compensate for the lackluster pay, but the company makes up for the intense work. Call it a psuedo-warehouse job - I call it just bearable enough for my autistic senses to be appeased. Plug in my headphones and work for 8 hours, minimal human contact, and call it a day.
However, the day after a work day ends with me going to bed. I am physically and mentally drained afterwards, with the constant moving, lifting and those blinding white LED lights on the ceiling that burns my psyche. So, I have little energy to be totally creative.
To add onto the slosh of new exhaustions, there is once again the threat of no return, news of hospitals, the hovering stench of death, the anticipation of a universal coin toss upon the elderly.
Tomorrow I have some breathing room to be myself for a day, so, here's to that.
More to come.
16.2
With my growing worries on the website's lifespan (no official announcements from the creator, y'all, just my concerns after seeing the website down more often in the past month) follow my Neocities which is very much in the works but it's where I will be posting more of my writings and drawings (plus other goodies)
The family I live with, we are all healing wounds in our own ways. Each of my parents had their childhoods soiled in the slick, consuming oil of hatred and mistreatment. Abuse and absence.
It is the attempt to foster their own children in waters free of this oil is where you run into the sharks of their past. It is impossible to forget the scars that run down your arms and stomach, to forget the environment you were raised in.
The night ended with my dad apologizing to me profusely. He didn’t mean to raise his voice, didn’t mean to blame me for miscommunication when we were both under a stressful situation.
I was exhausted at the end of it all, and wanted nothing more than to sleep it away.
Just my dad and I trying to give each other directions in a car, in a foreign environment. How fascinating, that this was the same circumstance where my ex boyfriend displayed a similar act of held-back aggression, frustration that I didn’t have the confidence to translate what the GPS said.
A nothing quarrel. Dust brushing against the old bones of a titan.
But my body felt the same fear.
I’m quite tired of men yelling at me.
14.2
To love is to see fully in each other. To love one another is to understand.
"I see you, I hear you" is a synonym for "I love you".
Even if without a partner, love can be celebrated, for the individual needs love the most. One way or another we all need love to survive. We are only alive because the universe and the world around us, loves us. Cares for us, wants to be in our lives. Nature will always be the partner of man, in the end, even in death, nature will cherish us.
In my meditation session I heard a small voice in the back of my mind.
"They will know you're here" it whispered, in a rather frantic way that made me pause for a second. Who is they? Why was this said in such a scared voice? Am I sinking into a layer that I... shouldn't be at?
Then I received another message, from a deeper voice, masculine.
"No matter the side of the engine, you will meet your end"
I assume this is about my most recent job offer (don't get too excited, it's nothing fancy, but I'm out of the way of people so I'm happy). But this comment might be a part of me saying even if I did find a better position... a better side of the machine... I will still be devoured by the gears.
In other news, my stomach has been horrendous the past week. It's not a stomach bug, that I know for sure. Stomach issues have plagued my entire life. I am 99% sure that this curse of mine is hereditary. My dad and I share similar pains, and many of his illnesses are genetic. Meaning that I have a higher chance of being physically disabled in the future.
Even more of a reason to love myself in the now.
13.2
Blinding white snow all around me.
I cannot keep staying awake until 3am anymore.
A small breakthrough.
The Lessons of an Anxious Child
You do not defeat anxiety.
My anxiety as a child led me to developing dizzy spells. I caught myself gasping for air in the classroom, realizing I had held my breath, or had forgotten how to breath altogether.
I realized how much my body was having its own allergic reaction to my mind. Not only my breathing, but my digestion and movement was impacted by anxiety.
My body did not appear to trust its own navigator.
Trust is one of the most impactful assets to have at your belt, a weapon everyone should master. Trust in the body and mind will carry you farther than any other riches in this unforgiving world. Nobody will save you, in the end, which in my mind is quite a harsh way to view the inhabitants of this planet.
I have the innate feeling that we all are responsible for each other in very intricate ways. The practice of Buddhism reminds me of the interconnections between people and nature. All living and non-living and connected by strings beneath the surface. When I meditate, I visualize these long, glowing strings that transition out of my veins and into the air, like organic telephone lines. Invisible and often unnoticed.
However, it is important to build your own source of energy when there is nobody else to power you up. The reason why I struggled with massive waves of crippling anxiety as a child is a lack of trust in myself. My body introduced itself as a foreign vessel to my mind. I became to quickly fear myself. That is one of the most detrimental pathways to stumble upon - fear of the self that is conjured from pain and uncertainty. In reality, there is no self. Just a collage of memories. You and I are endless beings confined into certain dimensions, heights and weights. But each of us are endless.
Animals trust themselves fully. Not a single atom in their body doubts their ability to survive, even in death the animal will fight. Some animals mimic the act of dying, of being wounded, and trust pulses into the darkest corners of being - a trust in death, in sickness, to relieve them from themselves.
My anxiety has lessened over the years, and I assure you it did not take me a few weeks or months. Progress within bodies from nature is not instantaneous. Healing takes cycles. The human need for faster gratification creates an impure form of healing. Cheap armor. Messily sewed. Quick fixes. It is no wonder the human world feels blurry, dizzy and overwhelming to the senses. Humanity is composed of pleasure seeking principles. Humans are still at their very core primitive animals. Primitive animals with the ability to utterly destroy themselves.
Apes with steel teeth, but apes nonetheless.
Anxiety burns through the ape's veins, but it is anxiety in its barest form. All the mind and body are hardwired to do is protect the host from the outside world - or itself. To step outside of the body, and give yourself a gentle, psychological embrace, is to recognize what is truth and what are illusions of the mind.
That is when humanity transcends alongside the primitive mindset, hand in hand with the wildest part of itself, combining to let their hearts beat as one.
12.2
Well. I’ve been bed ridden for a day. Or two.
Funny how as soon as I leave the doctor’s office I catch whatever was making the old people cough their lungs out.
If you really want to see how disconnected your body is from your mind, go to get a checkup and blank on most of the questions on your vaccination history and “how long have you been feeling like this?”. I don’t keep track of myself, and often I have a loose identity. Physically I see the body I inhabit, yet it only feel that I’m borrowing it. “My” body compared to “the” body.
I’ve also spent everyday of this year obsessing over what is wrong with my life. My consciousness have begun to shift into a different train of thought. A slow, heavy awakening. As if I passed out in quicksand and was awoken to my body being constricted, sinking deeper into death.
I wake up to see that my mind and body are struggling. That I’m in constant pain. My back, stomach, all are hurting. And I never took the time to be gentle enough to listen to them. I spent so much time running away.
I am nowhere perfect. Notice how I keep everything somewhat neat on here. Even if it looks cracked and broken. This whole blog is an antique store. Rusted, discarded, but appealing to the eye.
09.2
“There was something sitting on top of that house. The cats could feel it too. Someone in the living room.” My dad said a few hours ago.
The first house I grew up in gave me strange visions of the boiler room in the basement. Strange dreams, too.
Dad says it was upstairs.
I felt someone in that boiler room.
We also went through his old movie posters. I stole a couple good ones. I’ll make a separate blog post about what I found soon…
08.2
Frozen grapes are a wonderful sensory snack. A snack that's enjoyable and healthy to eat.
Everyone in the house feels sick, physically and mentally. I too feel a bit lacking in my movements and thoughts, my body signaling higher frequency aches. My back spikes with pain, hips and other joins screaming more than usual. But as I am to remember, I will never escape illness and age. The acceptance of my own place as a mortal being is very humbling.
I heard new family lore from my dad - food edition. In the summer with his mom they would eat sunomono noodles ("cold ramen" my dad called it). It's ramen with cold cucumbers and sometimes shrimp with sweet vinegar added. I need to make it someday.
Sky is infinite. Everything loops. When you're in a small town as mine each day looks the same.
07.2
I've been delving more into what someone might refer to as "hippie dippie bullshit" but a little bit of breathwork and 30 minutes of meditation a day have been changing me.
I've felt as if I'm "waking up" slowly, out of a dream. Into another and each dream is closer to where I am now, where my body is.
Also, if you can believe it, I've been on a Harlan Ellison kick. Looking to finally read his novels after finding out about him awhile ago. He's one controversial figure but there's something oddly magnetic about his personality from the interviews that I've watched. Someone that is so deeply themselves that they create a planet of their own that disrupts the calm orbit of another universe and shatters worlds apart.
I admire his guts to be so authentic to the point of an evolved arrogance, but I'm sure he had his soft spots. I dunno. I don't like to see someone as all bad or good, maybe I'll cherry pick the agreeable parts.
Or maybe I have a gravitational pull towards disgruntled, eccentric older artists that would kill you in a heartbeat if it was legal.
06.2
I always have that dull feeling of someone watching me, but today that feeling was amplified to a nauseating degree. Then I notice the clouds were sinking down to the Earth, and I met with the image of an iris, the sun an impossibly bright pupil.
An eye. All seeing, watching. The sun is watching.
03.2
"Mornings are the more painful points of the day, when every muscle feels petrified to move. Sleep comes but never leaves behind long lasting warmth, little rejuvenation of the spirit. I sleep in the bed of all my yesterdays that lay beneath me like dead flies on a windowsill"
Comments
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Möbus
"I visualize these long, glowing strings that transition out of my veins and into the air, like organic telephone lines. Invisible and often unnoticed."
Just a brutal visualization, a wide powerful metaphor that you came up with. It makes me wonder if it has to do with following a sort of buddhist approach about peace or meditation as I do as well and ended up coming with my own simile of this oneiric phenomenon, I remember writing about this, maybe in a rant about clouds, but it went by
"Black powerlines that thread on themselves like silvery spider webs that'll catch everything they touch, emerging from the body to connect with all that is around, a fountain of everything that emerges from the buildings to the heart to the shoes to the far away mountain to the people far from sight back to the clouds, all re-energizing themselves by this closed but constant cycle."
In the text, that if I find I'll post, for sure, I make the point in a bird passing by these invisible threads and getting caught with it, now the bird and I live together in the same existence of closed cycle.
"My consciousness have begun to shift into a different train of thought. A slow, heavy awakening. As if I passed out in quicksand and was awoken to my body being constricted, sinking deeper into death."
A Frugal growth for someone with frugal motives, with ease and patience every tree will grow rings of wisdom to repel away and further away with the time all of it who interferes in the growth. You'll be an even more amazing person, a great boyfriend, an espectacular big brother, a proud worthy son. You'll be the yearnest you you'll be with the path of power you are prone to take on. Don't deanimate, you'll be fine. As always.
mac_n_cheese
You express yourself so beautifully through writing! You're so talented, your mind is brilliant!
♡ jovi 🐹
im loving these entries <3 they resonate
benny // whalefall
If you really want to see how disconnected your body is from your mind, go to get a checkup and blank on most of the questions on your vaccination history and “how long have you been feeling like this?”. I don’t keep track of myself, and often I have a loose identity. Physically I see the body I inhabit, yet it only feel that I’m borrowing it.
WE HAVE WAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH IN COMMON.
SPOOKY
Turns out, black mold poisoning
Hah! Probably. That house was really old
by Hazel; ; Report
sam
i dont really have much to say about the contents but i think keeping a sort of living blog you update everyday is cool :-)
Thanks! Thought I’d give it a shot since I saw a few other blogs do the same. It’s a really cool concept :D
by Hazel; ; Report
i agree with sam. i also like the photos of the cloudy sky :3
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
seddori (semi-active)
I remember you mentioning meditation in one of your bulletins, so I was pleasantly surprised that you're still practicing it
Also wish you a wonderful journey through the works of Harlan Ellison!
Yes! Meditation has been such a lovely part of my day.
I've been trying to avoid purchasing books off of Amazon and searching for copies of his novels locally. It ain't easy haha
by Hazel; ; Report