what do you see when you look in the mirror?

trigger warning: mention of $u1c1d3 and guns

i wish i knew the right words to start this. i guess i’ll start from the top. so, i’ve been carrying a lot of mental problems for the past 25 years that i’ve been alive, mostly being depression and anxiety and shame for the things i’ve done wrong. it got way too overwhelming one day, i was having problems in my relationship, i was alone and didn’t really have a lot of friends that i talked to, i feel like my whole family genuinely hates me…and recently, it just got too much. i had talked about ending my life in some of my songs, but it felt way different actually attempting after all these years. i had spent pretty much all the money i had and bought a gun, an actually pretty decent pistol. i think it’s a 22 or something like that, i don’t really know much about guns like that. i knew it was gonna take everything i had just to buy the thing, so i knew if i buy it i had to use it. long story short, i got everything ready and was about to do it in a random park in my car, but i guess someone i knew had found out what i was doing and was blowing my phone up. i was already overwhelmed mentally, thinking about my whole life and what i did and didn’t do, but then i was physically overwhelmed, to the point where i actually blacked out. i don’t remember much of what happened after, but i do remember waking up in a hospital and the doctors telling me i had severe memory disassociation. i still have all my memories, but i just lost the emotional connection to them. it’s only been a couple weeks since everything happened and i’ve made decent progress, but really all i’ve done is been able to process my dads death. it was probably the biggest thing that impacted me growing up, so my friends and family and psychiatrist suggested i start with that. i’ve been making music for several years, but now that i’ve lost the emotional bind to my memories i also kinda…forgot my music? if that makes any sense? so now i just make new stuff whenever i have some stuff to vent about, but for now i’m just going over the songs i’ve made over the years and using that to help me process my memories. 

i made a song for my dad recently and decided to release it to help me solidify the healing process. i’m gonna keep making music since it’s always been my coping mechanism, so i’ll try and update my progress here when i can. i won’t be super active but if you ask me anything i’ll try to answer