i think i fumbled (sry for the crazy rant)

so for most of my life, i've been this shy, nerdy girl who guys just ignore. but recently, i've been getting more attention from guys. not like a lot, but a couple of people have shown interest recently. and there was this one guy who was a little younger than me (only like a year/year and a half) who was perfect for me. we liked all of the same stuff, the chemistry was insane, and he just made me feel good about myself yk. everyone was telling us that we were super good together too. it was like one of those soul tie things where we met and just instantly clicked. and back in august we were talking and he asked me to go to a concert with him. but i got freaked out cuz he's younger than me and we're still in hs. i have really bad anxiety, so i care a lot about what other ppl think of me (i'm getting better tho). i called things off, but i never really forgot about him. then, at the beginning of jan, i was out with friends and i ran into him. and we started talking again, and it was magical. like omg i was having sm fun. and i was committed this time, i wanted to date him, so i told myself this time i was actually gonna date him. looking back, i realize that i might have just been desperate to get a bf. i layed the flirting on pretty thick, but i also felt super comfortable being myself yk. but then, i saw him in the hallway and just got a major ick. it was so bad that i cancelled our plans to go out later that week, and friend-zoned him. i've felt terrible ever since, and even got attached to some horrible situationship. i've cut ties with this new guy recently, and im probably just bored and trying to start something. but i was rereading the texts between me and this first guy, and i just don't know why i did that!! like he was sweet and cute and funny and nerdy. he matched my energy completely and wasn't trying to do that nonchalant bs. and i screwed him over. i've recently been looking into my own mental health, and have realized that i have a lot of symptoms of bpd. when i was talking to him the first time, i was in a really bad place. but this second time, i was legitimately enjoying myself. i think i was scared that someone could genuinely like my personality and self-sabotaged. i've been working on my own self-image a lot, and have been trying to practice more positive self-talk. but my friend is friends with him, and keeps insisting that he's moved on, so i feel like i should just let him be. i really want to apologize because he was such a sweet guy, and really didn't deserve how i treated him. an old crush of mine recently just apologized to me because he led me on or wtv. should i do this? i dont expect this guy to want me anymore cuz i treated him so bad. and i'm not even sure if i want him, or if im just trying to fill space in my life. but yk life is short so maybe just having fun with a guy would be alr. im not looking for forever, so maybe he'd be down for that. but i also know that he moved on from me pretty quickly last time, so he's probably talking to someone else now. i really dropped this amazing guy over nothing. and then ran to the first unavailable guy i could find. i know i need to move on. so maybe getting real closure would be good for both of us. i don't want to leave things on a bad note. if i apologized to him, i would not try to get with him!! i am not good for him (not that i think he would take me back). i need to be secure in myself, and try to find someone else who i can actually see myself dating. i rly liked him, but when i had him i couldn't see how amazing he was. i psyched myself out of liking him because i didn't like myself.